biopsied out

went to the dermatologist for a major eczema flareup. was hoping for antibiotics..... but got another biopsy.

yeah.

you see, they didn't even want to give me a steroid shot until they found out why i had this bump on my upper chest.  (the same bump that came and went before.)  so, they used numbing, and a punch biopsy to punch out a bit of the bump.

unfortunately there wasn't pus in it.

i'll find out the answers friday.  or monday.  afterwards, if things aren't rotten, i'll get a steroid shot, and  perhaps better meds.  i also have to go in, and get the stitches taken out where they biopsied the bump.

this will be ok.  i have to believe that.  plus, it's like getting a second opinion.  it all will be good....

i'm trying hard to see the good, but it's so dark.

the road to good news

ok.... playing catch up here......

tuesday, i went in, and talked to the surgeon.  he wanted to take a lymph node from my groin (the one that lit up to 5) instead of taking the big one out from under my arm. (the one that's already been biopsied, with the result being no cancer.)

the land under my arm has had lymph nodes removed before, so he felt leery working there.  also, radiated areas do not heal well.  (something i didn't know, but just the thought of it makes me feel better)

i didn't understand how he thought he could take something from my groin, and find cancer in it (i've only had lymphoma in one concentrated area) but i granted permission.

wednesday, i went in for a pre-op.  they checked my blood, talked to me about anesthetics, and asked what kind of vitamins i was taking.  i was told not to take flax or fish..... and to start taking stool softener.  i started feeling that lovely pampered feeling you feel when everyone's on your side, and you're optimistic about the outcome.

friday morning, enigma took me to the hospital.  it was a simple operation, without snafu.  the iv went in great, and didn't cause trouble.  the nurses were attentive, and observant.  the surgeon explained things amiably.  (i really got to like him... if i have to do this again, he'd be great to come back to)....

and yet.... right as they were about to put me under, i started to tear up.  the old nurse who pushed my gurney to the operating table.... the feeble one who barely helped me move from one side to the other... was the best one there.... she held my hand, and squeezed it....

"we prayed for you...."

i squeezed her hand back, knowing she told the truth.  (the hospital staff meets up to pray every morning.....)  i breathed in, and out, as they had told me.....

and it was done.

recuperating has been easier than i thought.  the scar is diagonal, and far down below my bikini scar.  it's sore, not a searing pain .....  i have to make myself walk slower....pace myself..... calm down....

and, monday morning, after i called to make a post op appointment, the surgeon called.

no cancer.

yes, this is good news.  but, the last time, it was good news, too, and the oncologist wasn't satisfied.  i'm afraid he's going to take this good news away, too....

"yes, but....."
"watch and wait"

something is still wrong.....

well, if something is still wrong, it's not cancer.  i'm very sure of that.  i need to give my body a half a chance to cure itself.  salad.  veggies. fruit. smoothies.

breathing in....and out.

friday is post op.  3 december is oncologist.  then...... i rest my mind from worry.

....and get busy living again....

more surgery info

the election day dis-appointment ends up being a consultation only.  the real surgery happens.... later.  so, at least i'll get to ask more questions, and be resolved in my mind.  

sad that it's going to take another step, but now i'm understanding why he scheduled the follow up on 1 december.

sigh.... but a sort of an "ok, i get it" sigh.....

again

so..... another lymph node removal

yeah.

see, they saw a light up in my pet scan.

my blood levels went up.

so.. there's suspicion.

now, the biopsy says there isn't any lymphoma.

and that's good...but....

with cancer you gotta be sure.

so... rip the thing out.

take off, and nuke the entire site from orbit.

it's the only way to be sure.

mostly......

surgery's on election day.  results no later than 1 december.

it's off to the races again......

(hope)

nine minutes

i'm working at a busy library, on a sunday.... i can't seem to catch my breath.

i'm in the back, allegedly on break...but everyone is working working working

and all i want to do is slow down.....and not stress so much

friday, the nurse finally called back and said that "no abnormal" is good news, but that the oncologist still wants to see me on thursday.....

he may want to do another test or two

after all, my body overreacted a lot to something

and it could mean something

i want to hear him out, and say "ok....."

but i also want to say "i want to change to another oncologist....."

i don't really know how to do that.

i guess i'll poll the audience.

read up on it

do all the silly things i do when i want to make a decision

inform myself.

encourage myself

steel myself..

i need to eat better.  i need to exercise.  i need to sleep better.

i need to stop stress

i feel so weak, but i know it's because i'm worried....and tired.... and anxious

five more minutes

the people here want to help me help.  i need to learn not to do it all myself

i wish i could tell everyone how messed up i am

(they might already know)

i'm not going into the haunted house to-night.  i'm afraid of the chills, and the horror ....

i'm afraid they'll make me cry.... and who wants that?

i'd rather be chicken than emo

especially on candy day

two more minutes

deep breath..... you can do this....

go help

biopsy

got there at 11.

was led to a surgical patient waiting room (my own room, shared bathroom) changed into a gown. (kept my pants on, wore the cool hospital socks)

sat for a while

they took my vitals, my blood (first from my hand, no dice....then my arm) and my wallet, and left an iv port in my left arm.

waited for a-while. (long enough to watch two half hour episodes of "pioneer woman."  i vicariously ate with them, even though i wasn't all that hungry.

got told by a nurse what would happen.  (no "explain what will happen to me" so they could make sure i understood like the other hospital did)

waited....then was rolled out.

i was positioned for a ct scan.  (luckily it was a doughnut one, and not a tunnel one)  they put medicine in my iv.  i got an oxygen tube put up my nose.  i was told to put my arms over my head, and the gown was taken off my right shoulder......

i don't remember the procedure.  i don't remember being rolled back into the room.

i do remember getting told by the nurse that they needed to call my ride ....

....two and a half hours early.

yeah

waited, and then all of a sudden my ride was there.

asked to speak to a doctor.

apparently the new bumps on the front are not to be worried about. just maybe..... skin trouble?

um, no....

went to urgecare.  told them how the first lump happened after arm exercises, and how the swelling went down with ice packs.  then told them how the second lump appeared this morning.

got an xray.  nothing.

they want to schedule an ultrasound, so they can see if it's an abscess.

i'm going to call the oncologist to-morrow, and at least let them know what's going on.  then, i'm going to have him look at it when he tells me i have cancer again....

if

if

if.......

at this point, i'm so tired of everything.  me.  cancer. my oncologist. life. food.  weather.

nothing seems to bring joy but sleep, and sleep won't come.

48 hours for results.

sigh....

scheduled biopsy instructions

biopsy is on the 25th.  (pushes back oncologist showdown until the third or sooner.)

go to st francis main admitting building (south) at 11 am.  don't eat, or have anything but clear liquid after 7 am.  (clear liquid can be sprite, of all things....

have a list of my meds, and herbals, and vitamins.  (i need to make triple copies of this, because the world wants to know)

i will be in the hospital from 11 am to 5 pm.  i need a driver.

this is a ct guided needle biopsy which roman (the guy i talked to) said would let me know if this was cancer or not.

i need a notebook.

i need lists.

i need to research.

i need to stop being so shaky.


read read read read......


and hope......