major pet scan

here's how it went.

not much sleep the night before.  panic attacks, and tossing/turning.

woke on time (in fact a bit early) and made it to the place at 10:25.

was then told it was scheduled for 11am.

no worries.  i moved my daughter's car around to a closer parking garage.  (when they made the appointment for me, they asked if i knew where to park.  i said i knew where i was going.  if i had listened, i would have found out that there was a closer parking lot.  i walked back to move the car to teach myself a lesson... always let people explain.  always listen.)

(it's very brisk, and cold to-day.  still shaking off the chills inside, with a coffee at hand.)

then, i sat in the waiting room ....and waited.

a couple of women were talking about the food situation at their house.  it seems that one of them had permanent guests who were eating all the food, and not contributing.  they found the mountain dew.  the pizza pockets.  the meat for the spaghetti.  the whole ham in the fridge......

and i, who hadn't eaten since 10pm, was chuckling to myself, to keep down the hunger pangs.

then, they complained about how there was only one lady taking insurance information.  then, they noticed cbs on the television.

"whut's going on?"

"well, some french guy drew some pictures of al kaida. then these buncha guys come into his office, and shot him."

"oh.  well, why don't you get a padlock for the refrigertator?"

"i can't, and have regina get food, too.  you know she can't barely open a screen door, much less learn a combination."

and so it went on....

i signed the papers needed (do you have a prime directive? i think was one of them), and got the bracelet.  soon, i was in the back, getting the solution put in my veins, and resting for 45 minutes.

i actually slept.  that helped.

i went to lie down at the scanning machine.  i forgot that i had to lie down, and hold my hands over my head....without holding onto anything.  it's harder than it seems, because there's a donut shaped cushion around your head, and you have to lie your arms on it... very difficult.  my arms are still a bit sore from the tension of holding still.

but i won't complain.  it's over, and now i have to work.  (luckily) now i can think of other people, and help them....

and wait for thursday....

hope

negotiations

let's not go into last night....except to remember:

don't run out of gas  and
always clean your battery terminals.

to-day, i was supposed to be at the oncologist.  i got a call saying she was sick, and that i need to call to reschedule.  then, i got another message saying come on in.  my phone was on vibrate, and i slept through the alarm.  oops.  no worries.  i'm rescheduled for the 22, which is after the radiologist visit.  good.

then the pet scan pre-billing person called:

have you got 3,09950?
no. i got $50.  
well, acceptable down payment is $700.
well, my job can pay it all next month, when i give them the proper documentation.  i've done it before.  
ok.  so 50?
yeah, 50.  
see you to-morrow.

'member when i used to cry at finances like this?  i'm still shaky, still broke, still.... scared, with money and physical problems.  but... i'm better at negotiating.  i guess that's a good thing.

so, eat a low fat meal to-night.  zone out at pet to-morrow morning.  probably go to work from there. (after chinese food, if i can scrape up a bit of extra money)

then wait for the 15th.

hope

when people pass (plus update)

stuart scott has passed on.  a good place to start reading about him is here: http://espn.go.com/espn/story/_/id/12118296/stuart-scott-espn-anchor-dies-age-49

i looked up and down on different sites to see what kind of cancer he had, the same way i looked to see what kind of lymphoma jacqueline kennedy had.  it's sad that he fought the beast three times, until he succumbed to it.  it must be so hard to spend your time fighting, instead of living.  i do like what he said, at the end of his life:

"when you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer.  you beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live."

there was a time you didn't know where stuart scott was in his fight with cancer.  i have status updates, and a blog, and a little bit of poetry about it on g+.  i think there's a type of dignity one has with battling cancer privately.... a dignity i don't have, i guess.

always the blabbermouth.

i thought all i was going to do was have a meeting with my oncologist on thursday.  i just got a phone call.  i get a pet scan on friday, and a follow up exam with the radiologist on the 15.  just like that my whole week changes, and i have to work after i have the pet scan.  that should be an interesting day.

so, a bit of suspense has been added, where just days ago there was none.

to be continued

speed lump

it's been a-while since i've blogged.  it always seems like i blog here in the same attitude as when i clean the living room...  "oh shit, the relatives are coming!"

"oh shit, is that a breast lump?"

yeah, another one.  underneath my right breast, at the crease.  part of me thinks it's stress (it appeared the day after a horrific country Christmas journey, with allergens and pressure a-plenty).  i don't want to take it seriously.  i left a message with the oncologist, .  that's all i can do.

my holidays were up and down.  the first Christmas was a chinese restaurant event, with immediate family and son's girlfriend.  it was good food, and "head's up", and giggles, and english crackers.

the second Christmas was in chouteau.  i cried nearly all the way there.  i cried when a feral cat scratched me for no reason (the poetic side of me said "i didn't even do anything!  i'm a victim!  even the cat doesn't like me! why do i live?)

at least i got to take pictures at the man-made lake in the back.  i miss the water.  i miss the calm that comes with it. i miss having that defiant control over my life that i loved.

i miss me.

will let you know about any updates.  oncologist visit on the 15.  pet scan can't be scheduled until after the 26.  that's all i know now.

hard times?

no washer
no dryer

one car that starts intermittently
one van that needs perhaps ten minutes to warm up.  if not, it won't reverse, or shift from first to second gear.

don't ask about the home life

no money for Christmas
no way to earn more

a worry about bills that are coming
a worry about a daughter's future

a wish for peace

yet

i may have beaten this cancer thing
i may have taught a boy to read (who i thought would never read)
i may have given a boy a love for math (who i thought would never algebra)

(yes, algebra is a verb)

a feeling that i've grown closer with the kids through this.... that they have grown up (in a good way)

a feeling that i can see this through, if i just organize better

a feeling of tired hope

why must i endure so much?  so i can get much.... by learning to handle it all.

let the lessons continue......

checkup

this account of my appointment is as i remember it, from earlier this morning.

i woke up on time but, as usual, the internet pulled me in, and i was a bit late leaving the house.  i asked my daughter if i could use her faster, newer car and was soon zooming down the highway.

(there's a bit of pressure at home right now.  the breadwinner lost his job.  he's hearing from everyone else that he should have left this job a long time ago, and he's learning from experience, and their wisdom.  still, it's a hell of a hard time to lose work....holidays coming, and medical bills, too. )

i arrived at the cancer center right on time.  because i no longer had a port, i was able to go in pretty quickly to get my blood drawn.  next to me, a man in a wheelchair was struggling to take off his jacket.  i started to get up to help him, but a nurse was soon nearby, encouraging and aiding.  his hand was purple, and his movements feeble, but he was of cheery voice, and thankful heart.  i was glad for that.

after my blood draw, i went upstairs to the oncologist waiting area.  it wasn't that long before my name was called.  before i left, i made sure to talk to a woman whose hat i admired.  it was a cloche hat, with a scarf underneath that helped cover her baldness.  i told her she had a wonderful hat.... just right for going on adventures.  (i meant it, too, even as i encouraged her.  i wish i didn't have a big ass head.  there are so many clever chapeaus out there....)

i lost .4 lbs.  the nurse was encouraging, and loved the fact that my hair was a bit longer, and much thicker.

my oncologist came in, and gave me a hug.  she seemed a bit distracted to-day, so i was less enthusiastic to match the mood.  (not intentionally... it's just how i am.) i told her of my shoulder joints aching after a nap.  (she got me a prescription for big ass ibuprofen tablets). i told her of a skin rash that wouldn't go away.  (she gave me a prescription for prednisone). i forgot to tell her about my tingling hands, but they aren't really that bad, and there may be precious little i can do about it.  oh well.  next time.

my white blood cells were good, as was everything else.  it was a pretty uneventful visit.  she did tell me, though, that if the radiologist didn't say anything about a pet scan appointment by mid december, that i was supposed to call her so she could encourage them to do so.

visit co-pay: $40.  prednisone: $10.  big ass ibuprofen: free, apparently.

i see her again in mid january.

on the way out, i looked for a particular person.  there was a lady who took my financial information on the first day i was at the cancer center, many months ago.  i asked her if i could talk to her for a moment. she asked what i needed, and i could tell she was a bit harried. i told her it wouldn't take long at all..... she let me come in.  i told her she was the first person i talked to when i came into the cancer center, and that she calmed me down, and made me believe that everything was going to be all right.  she responded "of course it's going to be all right!" and hugged me immediately.  she thanked me several times, and said that this was just what she needed to hear..... i told her i knew how important it was to make someone feel comfortable, because i do the same thing at the library.  she smiled and nodded.  i said if she ever went to my library, i was sure to make her feel welcomed.... as welcomed as she made me feel that day.

i needed to tell her these things.  i was glad she was happy, but i would have found a way to let her know even if she wasn't able to hear me because of the stresses of her day to-day.  i do so love to help.... and i'm glad to meet people who love to do the same.

the prednisone i'm taking right now is in smaller doses, but i still have that teeth gritting tension that comes with it.  i'm trying to eat only what i'm supposed to, and in the right amounts.  mostly, i need to drink more water, and try to calm down.  the drug gets so much of my mind racing that it's hard to relax.

at least my levels are good, and i'm getting better.  i just hope all of the cancer is gone.  (duh.)  soon i'll find out, but until then, i'll try hard not to think about it.....

tell people they are special.  tell people when they do good.  do good, and try not to let the world keep you down.  there's a sun somewhere, and it will shine through the clouds.....

....eventually......

i can/ i can't

i can work more hours in the day now.

(i can't get past the last hour without hobbling around)

i can understand more and more spanish at work

(i can't remember enough to communicate back in complete sentences)

i can breathe better than when i was on chemo

(i can't go a day without crying)

i can sleep more soundly when i want to.

(i can't wake up without my hands tingling. )

i can live.

(i can't go a week without wishing i didn't.)