what is unforeseen

i have a lump in my breast.

yeah.

you see, the rchop was supposed to take care of my lymphoma...and it has.... i have a shrunken tumour underneath my arm ready to be cooked with radiation.

then, i got a pet scan that said there was no other cancer in my system......

then.... two days ago i felt a lump on my right breast, near the cleavage.  it sort of feels like the cysts i got before, but it's deeper in, so i can't really get a good feel of it.

i don't know quite what it is.

i'm supposed to call the doctor, and set up for a mammogram.  (i always seem to be playing phone tag with the nurse on these things.)  i'm going to tell her i'm free anytime, and just schedule the damn thing.  (so many times i also seem to play "mother may i" with the appointment people.)

i just want to know what it is....and i don't want it to delay my radiation.

i'm so confused.  scared.  apprehensive.  and yet i'm hiding things inside.  i haven't told many, because i want to hide it away.....

i want to deny it exists for a while longer.

i was watching a-team last night.  it was the third episode, so i guess they were still finding their voice.  at one point, the girl reporter was scared.  the guys told her if she accepted death it would help a lot.

then i saw the beginning of "guardians of the galaxy" to-day and totally lost my shit.

i don't want to throw in the towel yet, but i'm tired.  i want to get back to normal, but this lump is throwing me for a loop.  i'm supposed to wait for facts before i go nuts, but it's very hard to right now.  my defenses are down.

why now?