oncologist remission visit

i went in to see the oncologist bright and early, and on time.... walking across the parking lot with shaking legs, and downturned face.

i don't know why it's gotten worse every time i see a doctor.  perhaps because i have more time in between to act normal.

i waited in line to pay my co-pay.  across from me in line was this beautiful thin lady, with an infinity scarf floating around her neck.  she had a smooth, bald head that i was instantly envious of.  (my bald head was always wrinkly, as if it were imprinting the brain underneath.)

i told her that her scarf looked lovely.... like beautiful watercolours.  she smiled brightly. she might have smiled more if i said i liked her big ole bald head, but i resisted the urge.  she was carrying a big purse.

co-pay was more this time around, and they asked me to take a form to fill out as i went on with my visit.  yay! homework!

then i was immediately sent over to the lab waiting area.  i was supposed to be at work in three hours... it seemed like i was going to have plenty of time to wait.

soon i was sitting at the little makeshift desk thing, waiting for my blood to be drawn.

a lady across from me sat down, with fear in her eyes.  a nurse asked her questions she wasn't prepared for.

nurse: "do you have a port?"
lady:   "uh....no."
nurse: "are you going to get a port?"
lady:   "uh.....i don't know?"
me:     "would you like some port?'
lady:   "yes."  (giggling)

it helps to make other smile.... especially when your own smile is far away.

soon i was in the doctor's waiting area.... it was too overcast to take many pictures.  i noticed they had a book sale area... i have to remember to bring interesting books in.  very soon, i was escorted back to the doctor area.

the nurse asked if i was all right.  i told her i was ok, but nervous.  she didn't blame me.  she took my weight, and lead me into the examining room.

she checked my blood pressure, and told me i had great numbers. she was trying to bolster me up a bit... it helped.  then, she went down the list of my prescriptions, to whittle them down to things i was taking at the moment.  i told her i was just taking vitamins, zyrtec, and an occasional big ass ibuprofen.  (i love the big ass ibuprofen.  they last a whole day, and really help with the pain i have.)

soon, my dear oncologist came in.  she had an observing doctor with her... someone who wanted to see if she wanted to be in the cancer field.  i didn't mind.  lady was lucky to have the best teacher leading her around.

she asked how i was.  i told her about how the radiologist was concerned about my right arm.  she asked if they had set up an appointment for a scan.  i said no, but showed both arms to her.  she didn't see any difference, and didn't act concerned about it.

(i almost don't want to go back to the radiologist.  i really feel her job is done.  i have plenty of time to cancel my appointment.  i really have to think on this.....)

she checked my spleen...liver... ankles.... lymph nodes in the neck, and underarm.  her touch was strong, and assured.  i was sure that nothing would get past her exam.

she made things right.

i talked to the new doctor, telling her that it was hard coming into the cancer place sometimes.  she said that it was probably the building.  i said yes, as well as the smells, and the sounds.  they both nodded their heads vigorously.  it felt good to be understood.

this time, my oncologist made sure to say that what i was feeling was normal... after all, i had something that was very much like post traumatic stress disorder.

when i had my first cesarean, i was told i had had a major operation.  i pooh poohed it, and tried to walk around like i owned the place.  i paid for it later with severe postpartum depression.  i try my best to belittle the traumas i've felt in life.... never to deal with them until it's too late.

hopefully by writing, and talking, reading and listening i can learn to live again.

i.  just.  don't.  know.

in the midst of our talking, i told my oncologist that i didn't even know if i was in remission.  she said that, to her, i was indeed in remission.  she wanted to give me another pet scan in three months, to be sure.

i haven't been sleeping well lately.  i haven't been eating right, either.  i'm going into the free clinic i have with my insurance wednesday, to make sure my eyes are not infected.  (i wake up in the morning, and my eyes are fused shut.  yeah, i know.  ew.  could it be allergies?  intense dry eye?  infection?  we will see.)

also, i've paid all but one bill having to due with the recent cycle of things (pet scan/lymph node removal).  it's great to have my work help me, with their medical compensation.  it makes it that much easier to face the future, with the various "are you ok?" pet scans to follow.

the less to worry about, the better, i say......

and so it goes.