bumpy roads

i cried in front of my son just now.

i've had trouble with my eyes again.  they are watery, and tired, and i can't keep contacts in them.  they are sensitive to light, and crusty in the morning.   i want to say it's allergies, but i'm not sure.

i know...i know... i said i would go to a doctor.  i will to-morrow, i promise.

i was talking to my son about plays, and his life, and things..... and i told him i got overwhelmed.  i told him that i will stop, in mid-sentence, and search for words.  he told me everyone does it.  i said no, it's different.... i can see the object, and touch it with my mind, but it takes a-while to say the word.  and, when i stop in mid-sentence, people think i'm done talking, and barrel on through with the conversation....

and that's when i cried a little cry.

i said i was stupid, and old.  he listened.  i said going to the doctor would help.  he said it would tremendously.  i told him that he could have said "you aren't stupid.  you aren't tired."

"i could say those things.....but you already know that."

wise man.

i'm tired.  i need to get better sleep.  i worry too much.  will it come back?  are my eyes a symptom?  will my skin ever be 100% clear?

will i ever be normal?

in the world right now, people are worried about finding loved ones in earthquakes.  they search for peace on their streets, and justice for their brothers.  they hope to stop hurting worldwide....

i'm so fucking self centered.  

i'll get over this hump, and be useful again.  the rain will not fall for so long this time.  until then, i will be positive and hopeful for others..... and write out what hell is inside.

it's what i do best.......