dipping a toe in

i guess it's time for a sit rep, huh?  been long enough.

in a week, i'm supposed to have a pet scan, with a new hospital.  (gotta love insurance.)  when they were giving me an option for appointments, the lady said "we could schedule you to-morrow, but i'm sure you're not ready for it."

not physically.  mentally, i was ready three months ago.

anyway, it will be good to put a period at the end of this sentence.  yes, i understand that the surgeon "knows" that he got all the suspicious stuff out with the lumpectomy.  me, i gotta see proof..... and hope that nothing new has cropped up.

it's the optimist in me.

i've had a dilly of a time with my eyes.  they've been getting progressively drier even before chemo, but now.... worse.  the edges of my eyelids are starting to stick to-gether in the morning.  my vision is out of focus at the beginning of the day... not good for this 9-1 working girl.  luckily, i've found some scrub for the eyelids, and have been putting on the protopic very sparingly on my face.  oh, and i got a cool mist humidifier.  did you know that a window ac dries out the air in the room?  i don't need that, that's for sure.

(pardon me.  i've just watched a few episodes of m*a*s*h*, so i sound a bit...different in my writing voice.  about time that i've gotten better, though.  i need to straighten myself up, and fly right, like i know i can.  no more babying myself.  yeah, let's see how long that'll last.....)

i long for a time where i don't talk about my ailments first, then my accomplishments.  i don't bombard my sickness with everyone, but i'm sure the ones close to me are a bit tired of hearing about my illnesses.  my mother used to repeat herself over and over again.... i fear i'm doing the same.

i want to go back to the fearless me again.  where did she go?

so, i'm drinking more water.  got more fruit.  hoping to get more veggies, or at least veggy juice.  almost said yes to a full time job... now i need to get creative, and make my part time job count, but not rule my life.  if i keep saying i can't do a full time job, then i need to stop slacking with all the free time i say i need... and really do something in life.

i need to stop lamenting the past..... and make the future brighter.  for her.  for them. for him.  maybe one day... for me.


time starts now......