it's back?

my oncologist says that it looks like it's back.

there's a lump under my arm that lit up to 12 svu during the pet scan. there's a lymph node conglomerate that's swollen to 5 cm.

(but there's also nodes on my neck, and groin that lit up, too....  just not as bad.)

my ldh is 304.  some say that a high range is 333. on my test results, the range is 117-278.

i thought it was the flu, or some other kind of cold, because other people have had problems around me.

but.....


now, i'm waiting for a biopsy to be scheduled.  then, i will see my oncologist again, and find out what to do next.

probably r-gdp.  then something having to do with a stem cell (not a replacement.... i heard stem cell chemo.)

i don't know as much as i would have liked to because i panicked when i found out, and cried quite loudly.

then the oncologist said i had to calm down ... in an even louder voice.

this oncologist is not personable like the other one i had.  this one is cold, and just wants to leave the room as quick as possible.

this oncologist is not for me.

i had a dream recently.... i was on a school bus with strangers going....somewhere.  we stopped in front of the school, and unloaded.  i went down the hall.... then realized i had left my backpack in the bus.

i went back, and got the backpack, then tried to leave the bus.

there was someone blocking the door,  i couldn't open it.  i tried and tried.... and finally pushed it open.... then i ran out.

someone close to me said it was the perfect dream for my situation.  i didn't feel ready.  i didn't know what was going on.  i didn't have help......

...and perhaps i knew who was at the door.  blocking my progress.

it's time to change to an oncologist who'll help, instead of enduring someone who isn't.

it's a small thing, but i need every ounce of my energy and mind to get well.....

-----------------------------

why?  why did it have to happen now?  i was almost at the two year mark..... i can't do this again...... i'm so miserable about things.  i had plans to travel soon.... i was working so hard to get things to-gether so i could go somewhere, and relax, and create, and live......

did the work do this?  the stress of working every day?  did i just run myself down to nothing?

is it all my fault?

probably