waiting

still waiting for insurance.  oncologist's nurse said that the oncologist scheduled the biopsy for friday.... but i have to wait on approval before i go.

then tuesday i go in and see the oncologist about the results.

as my mother got older, she would repeat things to me.  things she told me before.... about the squirrels that were near her garden, or the mexican soap operas she was watching on television.  i don't want to be like that.  but, then again, the more i repeat the things that are going on, the more i accept them.

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i spoke to my boss about the situation yesterday.  he was very wise.  he said let's walk outside.... and i was able to tell him about what was going on without crying.  he told me about his problems, too, which was amazing because i wanted him to de-stress for so long, and he finally did.

he said that he was known to be a rebel, that fought for good causes.  if i wanted to come back to my library, he would save a place for me.

of course i want to come back!  i love working all day saturday, and helping......

i want to help again.

so... that's settled......
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the last time i was out for cancer, i had four months of vacation stockpiled.  now i only have eight weeks.  the last time, i knew how long, and what was going on.  i don't know anything now.

but i have to fight, and hope for a quick, total recovery.
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i was praying hard to the full moon last night..... crying and marveling, and wishing and hoping.  it's hard to pray to God, because i do wrong by him all the time.  it's His will, obviously, if i survive.  i just can't do all that He wants me to do.......
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hope hope hope...........