biopsied out

went to the dermatologist for a major eczema flareup. was hoping for antibiotics..... but got another biopsy.

yeah.

you see, they didn't even want to give me a steroid shot until they found out why i had this bump on my upper chest.  (the same bump that came and went before.)  so, they used numbing, and a punch biopsy to punch out a bit of the bump.

unfortunately there wasn't pus in it.

i'll find out the answers friday.  or monday.  afterwards, if things aren't rotten, i'll get a steroid shot, and  perhaps better meds.  i also have to go in, and get the stitches taken out where they biopsied the bump.

this will be ok.  i have to believe that.  plus, it's like getting a second opinion.  it all will be good....

i'm trying hard to see the good, but it's so dark.

the road to good news

ok.... playing catch up here......

tuesday, i went in, and talked to the surgeon.  he wanted to take a lymph node from my groin (the one that lit up to 5) instead of taking the big one out from under my arm. (the one that's already been biopsied, with the result being no cancer.)

the land under my arm has had lymph nodes removed before, so he felt leery working there.  also, radiated areas do not heal well.  (something i didn't know, but just the thought of it makes me feel better)

i didn't understand how he thought he could take something from my groin, and find cancer in it (i've only had lymphoma in one concentrated area) but i granted permission.

wednesday, i went in for a pre-op.  they checked my blood, talked to me about anesthetics, and asked what kind of vitamins i was taking.  i was told not to take flax or fish..... and to start taking stool softener.  i started feeling that lovely pampered feeling you feel when everyone's on your side, and you're optimistic about the outcome.

friday morning, enigma took me to the hospital.  it was a simple operation, without snafu.  the iv went in great, and didn't cause trouble.  the nurses were attentive, and observant.  the surgeon explained things amiably.  (i really got to like him... if i have to do this again, he'd be great to come back to)....

and yet.... right as they were about to put me under, i started to tear up.  the old nurse who pushed my gurney to the operating table.... the feeble one who barely helped me move from one side to the other... was the best one there.... she held my hand, and squeezed it....

"we prayed for you...."

i squeezed her hand back, knowing she told the truth.  (the hospital staff meets up to pray every morning.....)  i breathed in, and out, as they had told me.....

and it was done.

recuperating has been easier than i thought.  the scar is diagonal, and far down below my bikini scar.  it's sore, not a searing pain .....  i have to make myself walk slower....pace myself..... calm down....

and, monday morning, after i called to make a post op appointment, the surgeon called.

no cancer.

yes, this is good news.  but, the last time, it was good news, too, and the oncologist wasn't satisfied.  i'm afraid he's going to take this good news away, too....

"yes, but....."
"watch and wait"

something is still wrong.....

well, if something is still wrong, it's not cancer.  i'm very sure of that.  i need to give my body a half a chance to cure itself.  salad.  veggies. fruit. smoothies.

breathing in....and out.

friday is post op.  3 december is oncologist.  then...... i rest my mind from worry.

....and get busy living again....

more surgery info

the election day dis-appointment ends up being a consultation only.  the real surgery happens.... later.  so, at least i'll get to ask more questions, and be resolved in my mind.  

sad that it's going to take another step, but now i'm understanding why he scheduled the follow up on 1 december.

sigh.... but a sort of an "ok, i get it" sigh.....

again

so..... another lymph node removal

yeah.

see, they saw a light up in my pet scan.

my blood levels went up.

so.. there's suspicion.

now, the biopsy says there isn't any lymphoma.

and that's good...but....

with cancer you gotta be sure.

so... rip the thing out.

take off, and nuke the entire site from orbit.

it's the only way to be sure.

mostly......

surgery's on election day.  results no later than 1 december.

it's off to the races again......

(hope)

nine minutes

i'm working at a busy library, on a sunday.... i can't seem to catch my breath.

i'm in the back, allegedly on break...but everyone is working working working

and all i want to do is slow down.....and not stress so much

friday, the nurse finally called back and said that "no abnormal" is good news, but that the oncologist still wants to see me on thursday.....

he may want to do another test or two

after all, my body overreacted a lot to something

and it could mean something

i want to hear him out, and say "ok....."

but i also want to say "i want to change to another oncologist....."

i don't really know how to do that.

i guess i'll poll the audience.

read up on it

do all the silly things i do when i want to make a decision

inform myself.

encourage myself

steel myself..

i need to eat better.  i need to exercise.  i need to sleep better.

i need to stop stress

i feel so weak, but i know it's because i'm worried....and tired.... and anxious

five more minutes

the people here want to help me help.  i need to learn not to do it all myself

i wish i could tell everyone how messed up i am

(they might already know)

i'm not going into the haunted house to-night.  i'm afraid of the chills, and the horror ....

i'm afraid they'll make me cry.... and who wants that?

i'd rather be chicken than emo

especially on candy day

two more minutes

deep breath..... you can do this....

go help

biopsy

got there at 11.

was led to a surgical patient waiting room (my own room, shared bathroom) changed into a gown. (kept my pants on, wore the cool hospital socks)

sat for a while

they took my vitals, my blood (first from my hand, no dice....then my arm) and my wallet, and left an iv port in my left arm.

waited for a-while. (long enough to watch two half hour episodes of "pioneer woman."  i vicariously ate with them, even though i wasn't all that hungry.

got told by a nurse what would happen.  (no "explain what will happen to me" so they could make sure i understood like the other hospital did)

waited....then was rolled out.

i was positioned for a ct scan.  (luckily it was a doughnut one, and not a tunnel one)  they put medicine in my iv.  i got an oxygen tube put up my nose.  i was told to put my arms over my head, and the gown was taken off my right shoulder......

i don't remember the procedure.  i don't remember being rolled back into the room.

i do remember getting told by the nurse that they needed to call my ride ....

....two and a half hours early.

yeah

waited, and then all of a sudden my ride was there.

asked to speak to a doctor.

apparently the new bumps on the front are not to be worried about. just maybe..... skin trouble?

um, no....

went to urgecare.  told them how the first lump happened after arm exercises, and how the swelling went down with ice packs.  then told them how the second lump appeared this morning.

got an xray.  nothing.

they want to schedule an ultrasound, so they can see if it's an abscess.

i'm going to call the oncologist to-morrow, and at least let them know what's going on.  then, i'm going to have him look at it when he tells me i have cancer again....

if

if

if.......

at this point, i'm so tired of everything.  me.  cancer. my oncologist. life. food.  weather.

nothing seems to bring joy but sleep, and sleep won't come.

48 hours for results.

sigh....

scheduled biopsy instructions

biopsy is on the 25th.  (pushes back oncologist showdown until the third or sooner.)

go to st francis main admitting building (south) at 11 am.  don't eat, or have anything but clear liquid after 7 am.  (clear liquid can be sprite, of all things....

have a list of my meds, and herbals, and vitamins.  (i need to make triple copies of this, because the world wants to know)

i will be in the hospital from 11 am to 5 pm.  i need a driver.

this is a ct guided needle biopsy which roman (the guy i talked to) said would let me know if this was cancer or not.

i need a notebook.

i need lists.

i need to research.

i need to stop being so shaky.


read read read read......


and hope......

be proactive

don't think this morning's dream about being in a roman god and goddess world has anything to do with cancer.  i did like swimming back and forth across the pool, though.  i love when i can do something easy and fun, and still feel like i'm exercising.

(did i tell you i went to planet fitness for the first time in three weeks....trying hard to bust out a sweat, and tension... and maybe even the cancer?  i'm going again tonight, even though it's boring as hell..... i have to find a way to make it interesting.  audiobooks?  maybe....)

yesterday, i worked at my old library. (the one i was working at when i had cancer 1.0) i ended up telling a close friend there what was going on.... and, unfortunately, an acquaintance who was stuck in the room.  they both were very nice, and agreed that something had to be done with the oncologist.

i was on chat with my movie friend, telling him that i didn't know what was going on.....  and was told two words that i need to remember:

be proactive.

(well, actually, my friend said three words.)

so, i called the oncologist's nurse, and left a message saying i hadn't been contacted by anyone, and that i didn't know what to do. nurse called me back, and said that oncologist had scheduled me on friday, but we were still waiting on my insurance.

(the problem now is that i have a huge deductible.... and my library has to pay up front.  i hope this will not be a hardship to the library, but i don't know.... i hope not.  i want them to be able to help others....)

i was very quiet on the phone.  i asked the nurse if he (should i just name him?  why don't i just call him a ..... and hope for a b) if the oncologist prescribed ativan.  she said he did later, for chemo nausea.  my old oncologist gave it to me right off.... knowing i would need it for all the anxiety, and shock.  (it never helped, really...just barely.  the gesture was more important.)

i thanked her for her help in the quiet voice i had all day.... and she caught my mood immediately.  she matched tones, and was very respectful with her answer back, and her goodbye.

and now i cry.

luckily i didn't cry at work.

the nurse said that the insurance should call in the evening, or early this morning...... not yet.   oh well....

i wake with this big hunger.  i know it's because my body has been fighting, and needs more energy.  i wake shaky, and scared.  i feel and feel and feel under my arm for any signs of shrinkage.  it feels the same... barely there, but still something.

fuck.....

oh, the third word...the third word my friend said?

please.

please go away, cancer......

waiting

still waiting for insurance.  oncologist's nurse said that the oncologist scheduled the biopsy for friday.... but i have to wait on approval before i go.

then tuesday i go in and see the oncologist about the results.

as my mother got older, she would repeat things to me.  things she told me before.... about the squirrels that were near her garden, or the mexican soap operas she was watching on television.  i don't want to be like that.  but, then again, the more i repeat the things that are going on, the more i accept them.

______________________

i spoke to my boss about the situation yesterday.  he was very wise.  he said let's walk outside.... and i was able to tell him about what was going on without crying.  he told me about his problems, too, which was amazing because i wanted him to de-stress for so long, and he finally did.

he said that he was known to be a rebel, that fought for good causes.  if i wanted to come back to my library, he would save a place for me.

of course i want to come back!  i love working all day saturday, and helping......

i want to help again.

so... that's settled......
_________________________

the last time i was out for cancer, i had four months of vacation stockpiled.  now i only have eight weeks.  the last time, i knew how long, and what was going on.  i don't know anything now.

but i have to fight, and hope for a quick, total recovery.
_________________________________

i was praying hard to the full moon last night..... crying and marveling, and wishing and hoping.  it's hard to pray to God, because i do wrong by him all the time.  it's His will, obviously, if i survive.  i just can't do all that He wants me to do.......
___________________________________


hope hope hope...........

it's back?

my oncologist says that it looks like it's back.

there's a lump under my arm that lit up to 12 svu during the pet scan. there's a lymph node conglomerate that's swollen to 5 cm.

(but there's also nodes on my neck, and groin that lit up, too....  just not as bad.)

my ldh is 304.  some say that a high range is 333. on my test results, the range is 117-278.

i thought it was the flu, or some other kind of cold, because other people have had problems around me.

but.....


now, i'm waiting for a biopsy to be scheduled.  then, i will see my oncologist again, and find out what to do next.

probably r-gdp.  then something having to do with a stem cell (not a replacement.... i heard stem cell chemo.)

i don't know as much as i would have liked to because i panicked when i found out, and cried quite loudly.

then the oncologist said i had to calm down ... in an even louder voice.

this oncologist is not personable like the other one i had.  this one is cold, and just wants to leave the room as quick as possible.

this oncologist is not for me.

i had a dream recently.... i was on a school bus with strangers going....somewhere.  we stopped in front of the school, and unloaded.  i went down the hall.... then realized i had left my backpack in the bus.

i went back, and got the backpack, then tried to leave the bus.

there was someone blocking the door,  i couldn't open it.  i tried and tried.... and finally pushed it open.... then i ran out.

someone close to me said it was the perfect dream for my situation.  i didn't feel ready.  i didn't know what was going on.  i didn't have help......

...and perhaps i knew who was at the door.  blocking my progress.

it's time to change to an oncologist who'll help, instead of enduring someone who isn't.

it's a small thing, but i need every ounce of my energy and mind to get well.....

-----------------------------

why?  why did it have to happen now?  i was almost at the two year mark..... i can't do this again...... i'm so miserable about things.  i had plans to travel soon.... i was working so hard to get things to-gether so i could go somewhere, and relax, and create, and live......

did the work do this?  the stress of working every day?  did i just run myself down to nothing?

is it all my fault?

probably

results

wow...results are in.

i'm not menopausal.

for real?  yeah, for real.

seems like chemo does something to everything.... it depletes um.....it...uh.... it stops your periods.  yeah, and it has taken my body this long for it to regulate itself.

so, there's that.

and my thyroid is perfect.

darn.

oh well.

so, anyway, i am to go into the gyno if my periods get worse, more heavy, or more painful.

until then...... it's all ok.

coolness.

snatched

went to the gynecologist to-day.

the office wasn't close by, and i didn't quite give myself enough time to get there.  there was no worries, though.  by the time i got there, many people were saying the same thing ....."traffic bad.  left turn signals slow.  sorry."

there was much understanding.

i waited in the waiting room long enough to finish the patient form, then was called back by the nurse.

i got my weight done, and my blood pressure.  (120 over something or the other.)   the nurse asked me a few questions, then  i was told to disrobe, and put on a backward gown,

the gown covered one side of me, like some bad bob mackie design.  luckily, i had a drape for my legs, to cover up most of what i was being seen for.

then the lady gyno came in.

she was shorter than her profile picture.  a little older.  sure of herself, and patient.  not as appreciative of humour as her nurse was, but i'm used to that.  (nurses are the best opening acts ever, with great one liners, and steady hands.)

the gyno was able to look at all that had happened to me, because her, and the oncologist used the same chart system online.  so, she was even able to see my pet scan results.  a great innovation!

she said she wasn't worried about the light up on my left side.  she agreed with me over the fact that there was no such thing as a perfect pet scan... the body's always fighting somewhere.

then came the exam.

she checked my breasts, and told me they would call me to schedule a mammogram.  she checked the front of my body, in the groin area.  then..... she did a pap smear, and checked me internally.

i didn't cry.  i didn't feel ashamed.  i didn't clench up, or tremble.  i guess after all that's happened, things like that go by the wayside.

gyno said that rchop has been known to speed menopause on through, but she wanted to take a blood test to be sure.  (apparently, something in your blood can tell when you've gone through the change.)  also, i think she said she was going to check my thyroid, because if i had radiation under my arm, then that area may be affected.

and that..... was that.

i dressed, and went to the receptionist.  i was going to ask her how to access my chart, but she was on the phone.  i waited.

while i waited, i saw a mother with three children in the waiting room.

"don't hit.  don't hit him." she said, evenly. "you think i'm afraid to spank you in front of all these people? no.  don't hit. don't. "

"oh, it's ok.  she can hit me if she wants to." (that was her slightly older brother, sweet voice, and placating.)  "see....she's just giving me a high five on my shoulder.  see?"

how beautiful some children can be....

it was talking longer than anticipated to wait for the receptionist, and i still had to get lab work done, and i was hella hungry, so i just motioned "that's ok" to her, and left.

then, the oncologist's nurse called me on the phone.

i told the nurse what i asked her to call for (basically, the lumps on my arm had gone away.)  after much hesitation (involving a call for lab work that she needed to find out more about), she finally told me that i didn't need to come in until the next pet scan in march.

thank goodness.

the lab had a full waiting room.  they asked for your id, your insurance card, and told you to write down what time you came in.

i waited twenty minutes, and then someone called my name.

i was taken back, and given my insurance card.

wrong one.  wrong me.  sorry.

i went back out into the waiting room, and i swear i took a nap....then they called me again.

one stab, and i was out of there, with a cotton ball, and that strong ass tape that takes off skin as a parting gift.

oh, well.

results should come in to-morrow, or the next day.  one more thing taken care of.....

doctor, my eyes

so, my ophthalmologist called.  very informally.  left a quick message.

i smiled faintly, and called him back.  him, i can deal with.  he's young, appreciative of humour, and someone who wants me to ask questions.  good man.

so, i have irregular corneas.  (dude, i'm irregular all over.)

he wants one of his partners to look at me, to make sure about the irregularity.

it could be that i have dry eyes, which would make the cornea appear irregular.

it could be that my cornea is changing, which would mean i need to be monitored each year for continual change, since the new toric lenses are helping me have great vision.

or it could mean that my cornea is changing significantly..... and that i will need surgery, and a cornea transplant in the future.

dr city (named by google voice) is hopeful.  i'm not going blind.  i'm not having wild difficulty.  i'm just needing to be looked over, and kept track of.....

....like i am with everything else.

thing is, my eye doctor doesn't think the chemo did anything to my eyes.  this is just a natural progression i get for being old.

so.... it's good that i went back to good old dr. city,  instead of staying with the optometrist chain that gives me a new doctor at each visit, and perplexed looks every time i come in.

a blessing in disguise, in a way.

oh well.....

new doctor, old feelings

i have a new oncologist.

i should have expected this when everyone at work was talking about having to switch over to another hospital system.  i just thought that you didn't change oncologists.   who would stop care so specific and careful over insurance?

so, i went in to see the new oncologist.

he seemed ok.  he wore a suit, and was ...um... there.  then he asked for a pet scan.  i hadn't had one in a-while, and it made sense that he wanted to get the full picture.

well, there was a light up over the left groin.  he wants to do another pet scan in march.  ok.

thing is, he isn't very personable.  he tends to spock things, and not in a good way.  matter of fact, and a cold undertone, he is.  (i'm upset and weary when i think of him.  that may be why it's been so hard to write about him.)

so, when he told me that i had an irregularity (a 9 mm light up), i cried.  and tried to control myself.

and he....just looked at me.  and said nothing.

just like enigma.

so, i've been on watch and wait, basically.  (albeit unofficially. they didn't call it "watch and wait" but it's the same idea.)

and.... now there's this lump.

a day ago, my breast was feeling tender.  now, there's this lump near my underarm, but not under it.  i called, and left a message for the nurse.

now, when i called and left a message with the old oncologist, she took until the afternoon to call me back.  well, i don't know if it's because of the holidays, or what, but i got a call very quickly.  an australian nurse asked me what was going on, and tried to get all the details.

she said she would tell the new oncologist about what was going on, and that they would see me on the 14th, for lab work and exam.  that was awesome news to me, because he hadn't labbed me at all since the first time he saw me.

my old oncologist labbed me every time she saw me.  my old oncologist gave me two antibiotics for every infection i had.  my old oncologist hugged me, and really let me know that she was part of my fight, not an observer of it.

i don't want to see the new oncologist, but maybe i can.... at the very least.......i can help him help me.

one hopes.....

pet scan results

sorry it's been so long since my last entry.  let's bring you up to speed, ok?

on tuesday, july 7, i had a pet scan, this time at st francis' cancer center.  (my insurance changed.)  it was very different from hillcrest.  (as it is when you move from a hospital set in the seventies, into a a new place with state-of-the-art technology.)

i went in (after paying $100 more than i thought i was going to pay), and was told to go to a room. it had a comfy chair, and a big screen tv... all for me :)  they gave me a bottled water, and injected the solution.   i rested, watching everything from an old "highway patrol" episode to earring ads on the shopping network.

soon, i was in the pet scan room.  instead of a long, claustrophobic tunnel, it was a friendly, cancer-seeking donut that i floated through in about twenty minutes.  after that, i walked out the door, looking out at the rain...graham crackers in hand, uncertainty in heart.

on thursday, july 23, i went to my home cancer center.  my oncologist was on maternity leave, so i was to see the nurse-practitioner on duty.  i came in, after a quick blood scan.  a nurse took my vitals, then told me to circle what symptoms i had on a piece of paper full of creative complaints.  the nurse told me who i was about to see was big on symptoms.  i haloed a few items, and waited.

no one looked at that piece of paper through the entire visit.

the nurse practitioner came in.  she cut right to the chase, which made me very grateful.  i had a 1.5 cm thing that lit up underneath my arm.  she used many complicated words... terms that nurses used to explain things to doctors.  i had to ask what every other word meant.  i felt stupid, awkward, and very sad. it was hard to hide my fear, but i tried my best.

i was never brave.

i was told that i needed to check my affected area diligently.  i was on "watch and wait", a term i always read with trepidation every time i saw it in the cancer books.  watch for whatever was out of the ordinary, and report it as soon as possible.  if nothing happened, then i would be seen in three months, by my regular oncologist.

be ever diligent.

i left the office in shaky tears.  the person i was with didn't know what to say... it was good that nothing was said.  empty words don't do much at times like that.  

i went home, and tried to forget.

on the 28, early in the morning, the nurse practitioner left me a voicemail message.  she told me she wanted to talk to me about my pet scan results.  i called her back an hour later.  my butt called her two hours later.  i called her again to apologize over my butt.

no answer, all day.

i got no sleep, thinking "if she's calling, but not calling back, it isn't important.  or, it is, but she's way too busy to call. or....or... or...."

the next day, i checked my charts online.  there wasn't anything in the radiology section past the last pet scan.  no clue.

at 2:34 pm, she finally called me back.  she was full of apologies.  she was busy yesterday.  to-day, she had child care issues.  she was off balanced a bit.... and i was immediately at ease.

no worries. just tell me, i said silently to myself.

she did.

i was told to forget everything i had heard before  she had read the wrong pet scan, and was telling me the information that lead to my lumpectomy, instead of the results of the scan taken after the operation.

i was cautiously optimistic.

she told me the good news. i didn't have any light ups.  there were swollen areas right where they were supposed to be, in the area where i had my operation.  there was a new bit of swelling at the top of my legs, but it wasn't worth any worry.

(i felt foolish.  the results she told me should have sounded familiar, but because of the way she communicated, and the pessimistic view i had about the whole thing, i took it as new news.  and, to tell you the truth, i'm still acting as if i'm under that "watch and wait" umbrella.  maybe that's good.  maybe i need to live in caution.) 

i still will talk to my oncologist in three months. even with her apologies, the nurse practitioner used words that were long, and hard to understand.  she would not say that there wasn't any cancer, only that there weren't any light ups.  she had said before that if the cancer wasn't seen in me for two years, that it was a fine sign that it wouldn't return.

i need to check the dates (i really need to write them all down on one post, anyway) but i think i'm close to that mark.

and then i'll be healed.... inside.......

pardon me if i'm still healing, emotion wise.

i have to learn trust again

dipping a toe in

i guess it's time for a sit rep, huh?  been long enough.

in a week, i'm supposed to have a pet scan, with a new hospital.  (gotta love insurance.)  when they were giving me an option for appointments, the lady said "we could schedule you to-morrow, but i'm sure you're not ready for it."

not physically.  mentally, i was ready three months ago.

anyway, it will be good to put a period at the end of this sentence.  yes, i understand that the surgeon "knows" that he got all the suspicious stuff out with the lumpectomy.  me, i gotta see proof..... and hope that nothing new has cropped up.

it's the optimist in me.

i've had a dilly of a time with my eyes.  they've been getting progressively drier even before chemo, but now.... worse.  the edges of my eyelids are starting to stick to-gether in the morning.  my vision is out of focus at the beginning of the day... not good for this 9-1 working girl.  luckily, i've found some scrub for the eyelids, and have been putting on the protopic very sparingly on my face.  oh, and i got a cool mist humidifier.  did you know that a window ac dries out the air in the room?  i don't need that, that's for sure.

(pardon me.  i've just watched a few episodes of m*a*s*h*, so i sound a bit...different in my writing voice.  about time that i've gotten better, though.  i need to straighten myself up, and fly right, like i know i can.  no more babying myself.  yeah, let's see how long that'll last.....)

i long for a time where i don't talk about my ailments first, then my accomplishments.  i don't bombard my sickness with everyone, but i'm sure the ones close to me are a bit tired of hearing about my illnesses.  my mother used to repeat herself over and over again.... i fear i'm doing the same.

i want to go back to the fearless me again.  where did she go?

so, i'm drinking more water.  got more fruit.  hoping to get more veggies, or at least veggy juice.  almost said yes to a full time job... now i need to get creative, and make my part time job count, but not rule my life.  if i keep saying i can't do a full time job, then i need to stop slacking with all the free time i say i need... and really do something in life.

i need to stop lamenting the past..... and make the future brighter.  for her.  for them. for him.  maybe one day... for me.


time starts now...... 

  

bumpy roads

i cried in front of my son just now.

i've had trouble with my eyes again.  they are watery, and tired, and i can't keep contacts in them.  they are sensitive to light, and crusty in the morning.   i want to say it's allergies, but i'm not sure.

i know...i know... i said i would go to a doctor.  i will to-morrow, i promise.

i was talking to my son about plays, and his life, and things..... and i told him i got overwhelmed.  i told him that i will stop, in mid-sentence, and search for words.  he told me everyone does it.  i said no, it's different.... i can see the object, and touch it with my mind, but it takes a-while to say the word.  and, when i stop in mid-sentence, people think i'm done talking, and barrel on through with the conversation....

and that's when i cried a little cry.

i said i was stupid, and old.  he listened.  i said going to the doctor would help.  he said it would tremendously.  i told him that he could have said "you aren't stupid.  you aren't tired."

"i could say those things.....but you already know that."

wise man.

i'm tired.  i need to get better sleep.  i worry too much.  will it come back?  are my eyes a symptom?  will my skin ever be 100% clear?

will i ever be normal?

in the world right now, people are worried about finding loved ones in earthquakes.  they search for peace on their streets, and justice for their brothers.  they hope to stop hurting worldwide....

i'm so fucking self centered.  

i'll get over this hump, and be useful again.  the rain will not fall for so long this time.  until then, i will be positive and hopeful for others..... and write out what hell is inside.

it's what i do best.......

oncologist remission visit

i went in to see the oncologist bright and early, and on time.... walking across the parking lot with shaking legs, and downturned face.

i don't know why it's gotten worse every time i see a doctor.  perhaps because i have more time in between to act normal.

i waited in line to pay my co-pay.  across from me in line was this beautiful thin lady, with an infinity scarf floating around her neck.  she had a smooth, bald head that i was instantly envious of.  (my bald head was always wrinkly, as if it were imprinting the brain underneath.)

i told her that her scarf looked lovely.... like beautiful watercolours.  she smiled brightly. she might have smiled more if i said i liked her big ole bald head, but i resisted the urge.  she was carrying a big purse.

co-pay was more this time around, and they asked me to take a form to fill out as i went on with my visit.  yay! homework!

then i was immediately sent over to the lab waiting area.  i was supposed to be at work in three hours... it seemed like i was going to have plenty of time to wait.

soon i was sitting at the little makeshift desk thing, waiting for my blood to be drawn.

a lady across from me sat down, with fear in her eyes.  a nurse asked her questions she wasn't prepared for.

nurse: "do you have a port?"
lady:   "uh....no."
nurse: "are you going to get a port?"
lady:   "uh.....i don't know?"
me:     "would you like some port?'
lady:   "yes."  (giggling)

it helps to make other smile.... especially when your own smile is far away.

soon i was in the doctor's waiting area.... it was too overcast to take many pictures.  i noticed they had a book sale area... i have to remember to bring interesting books in.  very soon, i was escorted back to the doctor area.

the nurse asked if i was all right.  i told her i was ok, but nervous.  she didn't blame me.  she took my weight, and lead me into the examining room.

she checked my blood pressure, and told me i had great numbers. she was trying to bolster me up a bit... it helped.  then, she went down the list of my prescriptions, to whittle them down to things i was taking at the moment.  i told her i was just taking vitamins, zyrtec, and an occasional big ass ibuprofen.  (i love the big ass ibuprofen.  they last a whole day, and really help with the pain i have.)

soon, my dear oncologist came in.  she had an observing doctor with her... someone who wanted to see if she wanted to be in the cancer field.  i didn't mind.  lady was lucky to have the best teacher leading her around.

she asked how i was.  i told her about how the radiologist was concerned about my right arm.  she asked if they had set up an appointment for a scan.  i said no, but showed both arms to her.  she didn't see any difference, and didn't act concerned about it.

(i almost don't want to go back to the radiologist.  i really feel her job is done.  i have plenty of time to cancel my appointment.  i really have to think on this.....)

she checked my spleen...liver... ankles.... lymph nodes in the neck, and underarm.  her touch was strong, and assured.  i was sure that nothing would get past her exam.

she made things right.

i talked to the new doctor, telling her that it was hard coming into the cancer place sometimes.  she said that it was probably the building.  i said yes, as well as the smells, and the sounds.  they both nodded their heads vigorously.  it felt good to be understood.

this time, my oncologist made sure to say that what i was feeling was normal... after all, i had something that was very much like post traumatic stress disorder.

when i had my first cesarean, i was told i had had a major operation.  i pooh poohed it, and tried to walk around like i owned the place.  i paid for it later with severe postpartum depression.  i try my best to belittle the traumas i've felt in life.... never to deal with them until it's too late.

hopefully by writing, and talking, reading and listening i can learn to live again.

i.  just.  don't.  know.

in the midst of our talking, i told my oncologist that i didn't even know if i was in remission.  she said that, to her, i was indeed in remission.  she wanted to give me another pet scan in three months, to be sure.

i haven't been sleeping well lately.  i haven't been eating right, either.  i'm going into the free clinic i have with my insurance wednesday, to make sure my eyes are not infected.  (i wake up in the morning, and my eyes are fused shut.  yeah, i know.  ew.  could it be allergies?  intense dry eye?  infection?  we will see.)

also, i've paid all but one bill having to due with the recent cycle of things (pet scan/lymph node removal).  it's great to have my work help me, with their medical compensation.  it makes it that much easier to face the future, with the various "are you ok?" pet scans to follow.

the less to worry about, the better, i say......

and so it goes.

radiation follow up

well, i thought this was going to be the last radiology visit.....

i went in, right on time.  walked past the receptionist station (the lady who used to be there is now a large young man with orange hair.)  i was asked to sign...something.  (permission for treatment, i think.)

then i waited.

there were new pamphlets at the patient table.  what to eat during cancer treatment.  what your prostate cancer means to you.  a cancer hat catalog.  in the background, i heard the news of the day.  (mostly about the traffic situation.... you can't swing a cat without hitting it against a traffic cone.)

soon, i was called back.  this nurse was different than the other one i encountered.  she didn't react at all to my weight. she asked if i had any scans recently.  i told her about the pet, but she nodded in a way that said "oh, i know about that one. i meant any other ones....." so my explanation trailed off, and i shrugged.  she understood.

(is it any wonder writers have trouble writing dialogue?  we have so many shorthand ways of talking....)

soon, the radiologist burst in.  she was glad to see me healthy, and thriving.  she liked my blouse, and the thin fabric was perfect for spring.  was that a natural curl in my hair? wow.....

after the inspection, she asked how i was.  i had no troubles to report.  she said she had never seen anything like what i had experience before... she believed everything happened for a reason, so even though the lymph nodes didn't have an irregularities, it was good to remove them just in case there was one small cancer cell in there....

she then called me over to the examination table to look at me.  (i had purposely decided to sit on one of the observation chairs, as if to say "i'm not sick.  i don't necessarily need to sit in the sick chair.")

as i went to sit down, i heard a small knock on the door.  she didn't.  i told her, and she praised me for having better ears than she did.

she was soon excusing herself, and running down the hall.

i sat, and looked around.  small room.  scale. dim lights.  beige.  very seventies looking.  the smell of alcohol.  the sound of a dull air conditioner.

sometimes life is a refresher course in memories you never wanted to remember.

the radiologist burst back in.  she said that she knew the patient would have trouble keeping her hands over her head... and was trying to make the treatment shorter for her.... in an undertone i said "it's a hard position to maintain, sometimes." and she said "yes... you would know about that"

she raised my arm, and said that it looked good.  she then pulled both my arms forward, and compared them.

she didn't like what she saw.

she said she wanted to keep an eyeball on my arm.... wanted to see me in six months.  asked me when i was to see the oncologist (next week.) told me to tell her that my arm concerned her, to keep her in the loop.

and... she was gone.

sigh.

so, i walked out of the exam room, with my sheet of paper.  handed it to the new girl at the receptionist desk.  (the one who made long pauses in her phone message to me....telling.....me.....when my next......appointment was.)

"ah, we get to see you back again in six months."

she scanned my face.

"are you not happy about that?"

"well.... it's different."  (resigned, soft voice.)

"ah.  different."

and soon i was out the door.

i'm not too worried about things.  i can't do much about it, anyway.  i just... wish i didn't remember things so vividly when i walked in rooms of the past.  it's as if i opened the door, and things came falling out, like fibber mcgee's closet.

one day i need to learn to live with the clutter, and not keep stuffing things away.

soon.

right now, tupperware is a comfort.

sigh

one year

this is my one hundredth post.

a year ago to-day, i was starting chemotherapy.  as i remember, i had a sandwich, ginger ale, cheese, doritos, and a banana nearby.  i was on my laptop, trying hard to remember what drugs were being put in me.

my whole world was tense.

now, little by little...bit by bit... i'm getting stronger every day.  i'm finding more energy to chase after patrons.  i'm finding more pep to write poems (some that even rhyme)

i'm finding myself in all of this mess

i'm not a 100%, though.  i still get overwhelmed in crowds.  (the world just got bigger, and i feel smaller.)  i still don't go to family reunions (i'm afraid of being in the middle of the land of allergies.)

sometimes, i let the insecurities take over.... 

not too long ago, i completed my session with the surgeon.  he put his finger into my armpit, and wiggled.  he said that my scar had healed good, and it looked like there were no complications. he then said "thank you" and hauled ass out of the room.

i called him back for questions.  further inspection.  reassurances.  i got the answers to my questions in two word answers, and no reassurances.

i should be used to that by now, right?

anyway, i was relieved to be rid of the man, and i'm sure he felt the same way about me.  when you are someone who really needs comforting, who is a bit of a basket case, it's hard to find someone who's patient with you in the way that you need.  i was really spoiled by the oncologist.

i need to be realistic with the rest of the world.

i went to the dermatologist recently.  remember when my new year's resolution was to get the lump under my arm looked at, and get my skin cleared?  well, this time it was my skin's turn to be taken care of.  my arms are looking a lot better, but i'm still having trouble with an irritation that i've had forever.... i may have to go back in to resolve it.  no worries.  it's something that dove soap, aveeno oil, vitamins, and a little special medicine will clear right out.....

so... like target, it's all on the up and up.

i will still write here.  i have a radiologist appointment soon... also a return visit with my ever loving oncologist.  there will be more scans.... and more anxieties.  more hopes, and more dreams.

bring them on

even though i'm technically in remission, i don't feel cured.  i don't feel sick, either.  i just feel a little better....day by day.

hope is here...... i'm so thankful it's back.....