checkup

this account of my appointment is as i remember it, from earlier this morning.

i woke up on time but, as usual, the internet pulled me in, and i was a bit late leaving the house.  i asked my daughter if i could use her faster, newer car and was soon zooming down the highway.

(there's a bit of pressure at home right now.  the breadwinner lost his job.  he's hearing from everyone else that he should have left this job a long time ago, and he's learning from experience, and their wisdom.  still, it's a hell of a hard time to lose work....holidays coming, and medical bills, too. )

i arrived at the cancer center right on time.  because i no longer had a port, i was able to go in pretty quickly to get my blood drawn.  next to me, a man in a wheelchair was struggling to take off his jacket.  i started to get up to help him, but a nurse was soon nearby, encouraging and aiding.  his hand was purple, and his movements feeble, but he was of cheery voice, and thankful heart.  i was glad for that.

after my blood draw, i went upstairs to the oncologist waiting area.  it wasn't that long before my name was called.  before i left, i made sure to talk to a woman whose hat i admired.  it was a cloche hat, with a scarf underneath that helped cover her baldness.  i told her she had a wonderful hat.... just right for going on adventures.  (i meant it, too, even as i encouraged her.  i wish i didn't have a big ass head.  there are so many clever chapeaus out there....)

i lost .4 lbs.  the nurse was encouraging, and loved the fact that my hair was a bit longer, and much thicker.

my oncologist came in, and gave me a hug.  she seemed a bit distracted to-day, so i was less enthusiastic to match the mood.  (not intentionally... it's just how i am.) i told her of my shoulder joints aching after a nap.  (she got me a prescription for big ass ibuprofen tablets). i told her of a skin rash that wouldn't go away.  (she gave me a prescription for prednisone). i forgot to tell her about my tingling hands, but they aren't really that bad, and there may be precious little i can do about it.  oh well.  next time.

my white blood cells were good, as was everything else.  it was a pretty uneventful visit.  she did tell me, though, that if the radiologist didn't say anything about a pet scan appointment by mid december, that i was supposed to call her so she could encourage them to do so.

visit co-pay: $40.  prednisone: $10.  big ass ibuprofen: free, apparently.

i see her again in mid january.

on the way out, i looked for a particular person.  there was a lady who took my financial information on the first day i was at the cancer center, many months ago.  i asked her if i could talk to her for a moment. she asked what i needed, and i could tell she was a bit harried. i told her it wouldn't take long at all..... she let me come in.  i told her she was the first person i talked to when i came into the cancer center, and that she calmed me down, and made me believe that everything was going to be all right.  she responded "of course it's going to be all right!" and hugged me immediately.  she thanked me several times, and said that this was just what she needed to hear..... i told her i knew how important it was to make someone feel comfortable, because i do the same thing at the library.  she smiled and nodded.  i said if she ever went to my library, i was sure to make her feel welcomed.... as welcomed as she made me feel that day.

i needed to tell her these things.  i was glad she was happy, but i would have found a way to let her know even if she wasn't able to hear me because of the stresses of her day to-day.  i do so love to help.... and i'm glad to meet people who love to do the same.

the prednisone i'm taking right now is in smaller doses, but i still have that teeth gritting tension that comes with it.  i'm trying to eat only what i'm supposed to, and in the right amounts.  mostly, i need to drink more water, and try to calm down.  the drug gets so much of my mind racing that it's hard to relax.

at least my levels are good, and i'm getting better.  i just hope all of the cancer is gone.  (duh.)  soon i'll find out, but until then, i'll try hard not to think about it.....

tell people they are special.  tell people when they do good.  do good, and try not to let the world keep you down.  there's a sun somewhere, and it will shine through the clouds.....

....eventually......

i can/ i can't

i can work more hours in the day now.

(i can't get past the last hour without hobbling around)

i can understand more and more spanish at work

(i can't remember enough to communicate back in complete sentences)

i can breathe better than when i was on chemo

(i can't go a day without crying)

i can sleep more soundly when i want to.

(i can't wake up without my hands tingling. )

i can live.

(i can't go a week without wishing i didn't.)