biopsied out

went to the dermatologist for a major eczema flareup. was hoping for antibiotics..... but got another biopsy.

yeah.

you see, they didn't even want to give me a steroid shot until they found out why i had this bump on my upper chest.  (the same bump that came and went before.)  so, they used numbing, and a punch biopsy to punch out a bit of the bump.

unfortunately there wasn't pus in it.

i'll find out the answers friday.  or monday.  afterwards, if things aren't rotten, i'll get a steroid shot, and  perhaps better meds.  i also have to go in, and get the stitches taken out where they biopsied the bump.

this will be ok.  i have to believe that.  plus, it's like getting a second opinion.  it all will be good....

i'm trying hard to see the good, but it's so dark.

the road to good news

ok.... playing catch up here......

tuesday, i went in, and talked to the surgeon.  he wanted to take a lymph node from my groin (the one that lit up to 5) instead of taking the big one out from under my arm. (the one that's already been biopsied, with the result being no cancer.)

the land under my arm has had lymph nodes removed before, so he felt leery working there.  also, radiated areas do not heal well.  (something i didn't know, but just the thought of it makes me feel better)

i didn't understand how he thought he could take something from my groin, and find cancer in it (i've only had lymphoma in one concentrated area) but i granted permission.

wednesday, i went in for a pre-op.  they checked my blood, talked to me about anesthetics, and asked what kind of vitamins i was taking.  i was told not to take flax or fish..... and to start taking stool softener.  i started feeling that lovely pampered feeling you feel when everyone's on your side, and you're optimistic about the outcome.

friday morning, enigma took me to the hospital.  it was a simple operation, without snafu.  the iv went in great, and didn't cause trouble.  the nurses were attentive, and observant.  the surgeon explained things amiably.  (i really got to like him... if i have to do this again, he'd be great to come back to)....

and yet.... right as they were about to put me under, i started to tear up.  the old nurse who pushed my gurney to the operating table.... the feeble one who barely helped me move from one side to the other... was the best one there.... she held my hand, and squeezed it....

"we prayed for you...."

i squeezed her hand back, knowing she told the truth.  (the hospital staff meets up to pray every morning.....)  i breathed in, and out, as they had told me.....

and it was done.

recuperating has been easier than i thought.  the scar is diagonal, and far down below my bikini scar.  it's sore, not a searing pain .....  i have to make myself walk slower....pace myself..... calm down....

and, monday morning, after i called to make a post op appointment, the surgeon called.

no cancer.

yes, this is good news.  but, the last time, it was good news, too, and the oncologist wasn't satisfied.  i'm afraid he's going to take this good news away, too....

"yes, but....."
"watch and wait"

something is still wrong.....

well, if something is still wrong, it's not cancer.  i'm very sure of that.  i need to give my body a half a chance to cure itself.  salad.  veggies. fruit. smoothies.

breathing in....and out.

friday is post op.  3 december is oncologist.  then...... i rest my mind from worry.

....and get busy living again....

more surgery info

the election day dis-appointment ends up being a consultation only.  the real surgery happens.... later.  so, at least i'll get to ask more questions, and be resolved in my mind.  

sad that it's going to take another step, but now i'm understanding why he scheduled the follow up on 1 december.

sigh.... but a sort of an "ok, i get it" sigh.....

again

so..... another lymph node removal

yeah.

see, they saw a light up in my pet scan.

my blood levels went up.

so.. there's suspicion.

now, the biopsy says there isn't any lymphoma.

and that's good...but....

with cancer you gotta be sure.

so... rip the thing out.

take off, and nuke the entire site from orbit.

it's the only way to be sure.

mostly......

surgery's on election day.  results no later than 1 december.

it's off to the races again......

(hope)

nine minutes

i'm working at a busy library, on a sunday.... i can't seem to catch my breath.

i'm in the back, allegedly on break...but everyone is working working working

and all i want to do is slow down.....and not stress so much

friday, the nurse finally called back and said that "no abnormal" is good news, but that the oncologist still wants to see me on thursday.....

he may want to do another test or two

after all, my body overreacted a lot to something

and it could mean something

i want to hear him out, and say "ok....."

but i also want to say "i want to change to another oncologist....."

i don't really know how to do that.

i guess i'll poll the audience.

read up on it

do all the silly things i do when i want to make a decision

inform myself.

encourage myself

steel myself..

i need to eat better.  i need to exercise.  i need to sleep better.

i need to stop stress

i feel so weak, but i know it's because i'm worried....and tired.... and anxious

five more minutes

the people here want to help me help.  i need to learn not to do it all myself

i wish i could tell everyone how messed up i am

(they might already know)

i'm not going into the haunted house to-night.  i'm afraid of the chills, and the horror ....

i'm afraid they'll make me cry.... and who wants that?

i'd rather be chicken than emo

especially on candy day

two more minutes

deep breath..... you can do this....

go help

biopsy

got there at 11.

was led to a surgical patient waiting room (my own room, shared bathroom) changed into a gown. (kept my pants on, wore the cool hospital socks)

sat for a while

they took my vitals, my blood (first from my hand, no dice....then my arm) and my wallet, and left an iv port in my left arm.

waited for a-while. (long enough to watch two half hour episodes of "pioneer woman."  i vicariously ate with them, even though i wasn't all that hungry.

got told by a nurse what would happen.  (no "explain what will happen to me" so they could make sure i understood like the other hospital did)

waited....then was rolled out.

i was positioned for a ct scan.  (luckily it was a doughnut one, and not a tunnel one)  they put medicine in my iv.  i got an oxygen tube put up my nose.  i was told to put my arms over my head, and the gown was taken off my right shoulder......

i don't remember the procedure.  i don't remember being rolled back into the room.

i do remember getting told by the nurse that they needed to call my ride ....

....two and a half hours early.

yeah

waited, and then all of a sudden my ride was there.

asked to speak to a doctor.

apparently the new bumps on the front are not to be worried about. just maybe..... skin trouble?

um, no....

went to urgecare.  told them how the first lump happened after arm exercises, and how the swelling went down with ice packs.  then told them how the second lump appeared this morning.

got an xray.  nothing.

they want to schedule an ultrasound, so they can see if it's an abscess.

i'm going to call the oncologist to-morrow, and at least let them know what's going on.  then, i'm going to have him look at it when he tells me i have cancer again....

if

if

if.......

at this point, i'm so tired of everything.  me.  cancer. my oncologist. life. food.  weather.

nothing seems to bring joy but sleep, and sleep won't come.

48 hours for results.

sigh....

scheduled biopsy instructions

biopsy is on the 25th.  (pushes back oncologist showdown until the third or sooner.)

go to st francis main admitting building (south) at 11 am.  don't eat, or have anything but clear liquid after 7 am.  (clear liquid can be sprite, of all things....

have a list of my meds, and herbals, and vitamins.  (i need to make triple copies of this, because the world wants to know)

i will be in the hospital from 11 am to 5 pm.  i need a driver.

this is a ct guided needle biopsy which roman (the guy i talked to) said would let me know if this was cancer or not.

i need a notebook.

i need lists.

i need to research.

i need to stop being so shaky.


read read read read......


and hope......

be proactive

don't think this morning's dream about being in a roman god and goddess world has anything to do with cancer.  i did like swimming back and forth across the pool, though.  i love when i can do something easy and fun, and still feel like i'm exercising.

(did i tell you i went to planet fitness for the first time in three weeks....trying hard to bust out a sweat, and tension... and maybe even the cancer?  i'm going again tonight, even though it's boring as hell..... i have to find a way to make it interesting.  audiobooks?  maybe....)

yesterday, i worked at my old library. (the one i was working at when i had cancer 1.0) i ended up telling a close friend there what was going on.... and, unfortunately, an acquaintance who was stuck in the room.  they both were very nice, and agreed that something had to be done with the oncologist.

i was on chat with my movie friend, telling him that i didn't know what was going on.....  and was told two words that i need to remember:

be proactive.

(well, actually, my friend said three words.)

so, i called the oncologist's nurse, and left a message saying i hadn't been contacted by anyone, and that i didn't know what to do. nurse called me back, and said that oncologist had scheduled me on friday, but we were still waiting on my insurance.

(the problem now is that i have a huge deductible.... and my library has to pay up front.  i hope this will not be a hardship to the library, but i don't know.... i hope not.  i want them to be able to help others....)

i was very quiet on the phone.  i asked the nurse if he (should i just name him?  why don't i just call him a ..... and hope for a b) if the oncologist prescribed ativan.  she said he did later, for chemo nausea.  my old oncologist gave it to me right off.... knowing i would need it for all the anxiety, and shock.  (it never helped, really...just barely.  the gesture was more important.)

i thanked her for her help in the quiet voice i had all day.... and she caught my mood immediately.  she matched tones, and was very respectful with her answer back, and her goodbye.

and now i cry.

luckily i didn't cry at work.

the nurse said that the insurance should call in the evening, or early this morning...... not yet.   oh well....

i wake with this big hunger.  i know it's because my body has been fighting, and needs more energy.  i wake shaky, and scared.  i feel and feel and feel under my arm for any signs of shrinkage.  it feels the same... barely there, but still something.

fuck.....

oh, the third word...the third word my friend said?

please.

please go away, cancer......

waiting

still waiting for insurance.  oncologist's nurse said that the oncologist scheduled the biopsy for friday.... but i have to wait on approval before i go.

then tuesday i go in and see the oncologist about the results.

as my mother got older, she would repeat things to me.  things she told me before.... about the squirrels that were near her garden, or the mexican soap operas she was watching on television.  i don't want to be like that.  but, then again, the more i repeat the things that are going on, the more i accept them.

______________________

i spoke to my boss about the situation yesterday.  he was very wise.  he said let's walk outside.... and i was able to tell him about what was going on without crying.  he told me about his problems, too, which was amazing because i wanted him to de-stress for so long, and he finally did.

he said that he was known to be a rebel, that fought for good causes.  if i wanted to come back to my library, he would save a place for me.

of course i want to come back!  i love working all day saturday, and helping......

i want to help again.

so... that's settled......
_________________________

the last time i was out for cancer, i had four months of vacation stockpiled.  now i only have eight weeks.  the last time, i knew how long, and what was going on.  i don't know anything now.

but i have to fight, and hope for a quick, total recovery.
_________________________________

i was praying hard to the full moon last night..... crying and marveling, and wishing and hoping.  it's hard to pray to God, because i do wrong by him all the time.  it's His will, obviously, if i survive.  i just can't do all that He wants me to do.......
___________________________________


hope hope hope...........

it's back?

my oncologist says that it looks like it's back.

there's a lump under my arm that lit up to 12 svu during the pet scan. there's a lymph node conglomerate that's swollen to 5 cm.

(but there's also nodes on my neck, and groin that lit up, too....  just not as bad.)

my ldh is 304.  some say that a high range is 333. on my test results, the range is 117-278.

i thought it was the flu, or some other kind of cold, because other people have had problems around me.

but.....


now, i'm waiting for a biopsy to be scheduled.  then, i will see my oncologist again, and find out what to do next.

probably r-gdp.  then something having to do with a stem cell (not a replacement.... i heard stem cell chemo.)

i don't know as much as i would have liked to because i panicked when i found out, and cried quite loudly.

then the oncologist said i had to calm down ... in an even louder voice.

this oncologist is not personable like the other one i had.  this one is cold, and just wants to leave the room as quick as possible.

this oncologist is not for me.

i had a dream recently.... i was on a school bus with strangers going....somewhere.  we stopped in front of the school, and unloaded.  i went down the hall.... then realized i had left my backpack in the bus.

i went back, and got the backpack, then tried to leave the bus.

there was someone blocking the door,  i couldn't open it.  i tried and tried.... and finally pushed it open.... then i ran out.

someone close to me said it was the perfect dream for my situation.  i didn't feel ready.  i didn't know what was going on.  i didn't have help......

...and perhaps i knew who was at the door.  blocking my progress.

it's time to change to an oncologist who'll help, instead of enduring someone who isn't.

it's a small thing, but i need every ounce of my energy and mind to get well.....

-----------------------------

why?  why did it have to happen now?  i was almost at the two year mark..... i can't do this again...... i'm so miserable about things.  i had plans to travel soon.... i was working so hard to get things to-gether so i could go somewhere, and relax, and create, and live......

did the work do this?  the stress of working every day?  did i just run myself down to nothing?

is it all my fault?

probably

results

wow...results are in.

i'm not menopausal.

for real?  yeah, for real.

seems like chemo does something to everything.... it depletes um.....it...uh.... it stops your periods.  yeah, and it has taken my body this long for it to regulate itself.

so, there's that.

and my thyroid is perfect.

darn.

oh well.

so, anyway, i am to go into the gyno if my periods get worse, more heavy, or more painful.

until then...... it's all ok.

coolness.

snatched

went to the gynecologist to-day.

the office wasn't close by, and i didn't quite give myself enough time to get there.  there was no worries, though.  by the time i got there, many people were saying the same thing ....."traffic bad.  left turn signals slow.  sorry."

there was much understanding.

i waited in the waiting room long enough to finish the patient form, then was called back by the nurse.

i got my weight done, and my blood pressure.  (120 over something or the other.)   the nurse asked me a few questions, then  i was told to disrobe, and put on a backward gown,

the gown covered one side of me, like some bad bob mackie design.  luckily, i had a drape for my legs, to cover up most of what i was being seen for.

then the lady gyno came in.

she was shorter than her profile picture.  a little older.  sure of herself, and patient.  not as appreciative of humour as her nurse was, but i'm used to that.  (nurses are the best opening acts ever, with great one liners, and steady hands.)

the gyno was able to look at all that had happened to me, because her, and the oncologist used the same chart system online.  so, she was even able to see my pet scan results.  a great innovation!

she said she wasn't worried about the light up on my left side.  she agreed with me over the fact that there was no such thing as a perfect pet scan... the body's always fighting somewhere.

then came the exam.

she checked my breasts, and told me they would call me to schedule a mammogram.  she checked the front of my body, in the groin area.  then..... she did a pap smear, and checked me internally.

i didn't cry.  i didn't feel ashamed.  i didn't clench up, or tremble.  i guess after all that's happened, things like that go by the wayside.

gyno said that rchop has been known to speed menopause on through, but she wanted to take a blood test to be sure.  (apparently, something in your blood can tell when you've gone through the change.)  also, i think she said she was going to check my thyroid, because if i had radiation under my arm, then that area may be affected.

and that..... was that.

i dressed, and went to the receptionist.  i was going to ask her how to access my chart, but she was on the phone.  i waited.

while i waited, i saw a mother with three children in the waiting room.

"don't hit.  don't hit him." she said, evenly. "you think i'm afraid to spank you in front of all these people? no.  don't hit. don't. "

"oh, it's ok.  she can hit me if she wants to." (that was her slightly older brother, sweet voice, and placating.)  "see....she's just giving me a high five on my shoulder.  see?"

how beautiful some children can be....

it was talking longer than anticipated to wait for the receptionist, and i still had to get lab work done, and i was hella hungry, so i just motioned "that's ok" to her, and left.

then, the oncologist's nurse called me on the phone.

i told the nurse what i asked her to call for (basically, the lumps on my arm had gone away.)  after much hesitation (involving a call for lab work that she needed to find out more about), she finally told me that i didn't need to come in until the next pet scan in march.

thank goodness.

the lab had a full waiting room.  they asked for your id, your insurance card, and told you to write down what time you came in.

i waited twenty minutes, and then someone called my name.

i was taken back, and given my insurance card.

wrong one.  wrong me.  sorry.

i went back out into the waiting room, and i swear i took a nap....then they called me again.

one stab, and i was out of there, with a cotton ball, and that strong ass tape that takes off skin as a parting gift.

oh, well.

results should come in to-morrow, or the next day.  one more thing taken care of.....