it's been a-while since i've blogged. it always seems like i blog here in the same attitude as when i clean the living room... "oh shit, the relatives are coming!"
"oh shit, is that a breast lump?"
yeah, another one. underneath my right breast, at the crease. part of me thinks it's stress (it appeared the day after a horrific country Christmas journey, with allergens and pressure a-plenty). i don't want to take it seriously. i left a message with the oncologist, . that's all i can do.
my holidays were up and down. the first Christmas was a chinese restaurant event, with immediate family and son's girlfriend. it was good food, and "head's up", and giggles, and english crackers.
the second Christmas was in chouteau. i cried nearly all the way there. i cried when a feral cat scratched me for no reason (the poetic side of me said "i didn't even do anything! i'm a victim! even the cat doesn't like me! why do i live?)
at least i got to take pictures at the man-made lake in the back. i miss the water. i miss the calm that comes with it. i miss having that defiant control over my life that i loved.
i miss me.
will let you know about any updates. oncologist visit on the 15. pet scan can't be scheduled until after the 26. that's all i know now.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
hard times?
no washer
no dryer
one car that starts intermittently
one van that needs perhaps ten minutes to warm up. if not, it won't reverse, or shift from first to second gear.
don't ask about the home life
no money for Christmas
no way to earn more
a worry about bills that are coming
a worry about a daughter's future
a wish for peace
yet
i may have beaten this cancer thing
i may have taught a boy to read (who i thought would never read)
i may have given a boy a love for math (who i thought would never algebra)
(yes, algebra is a verb)
a feeling that i've grown closer with the kids through this.... that they have grown up (in a good way)
a feeling that i can see this through, if i just organize better
a feeling of tired hope
why must i endure so much? so i can get much.... by learning to handle it all.
let the lessons continue......
no dryer
one car that starts intermittently
one van that needs perhaps ten minutes to warm up. if not, it won't reverse, or shift from first to second gear.
don't ask about the home life
no money for Christmas
no way to earn more
a worry about bills that are coming
a worry about a daughter's future
a wish for peace
yet
i may have beaten this cancer thing
i may have taught a boy to read (who i thought would never read)
i may have given a boy a love for math (who i thought would never algebra)
(yes, algebra is a verb)
a feeling that i've grown closer with the kids through this.... that they have grown up (in a good way)
a feeling that i can see this through, if i just organize better
a feeling of tired hope
why must i endure so much? so i can get much.... by learning to handle it all.
let the lessons continue......
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