6

the waiting room has become a happening place.  sassy and garbo talked about their legs, and were very interested in my joint pain vitamin idea.  new older couple thought that no one could be positive, 100 percent of the time.  ("we all handle things differently, and a bit of up and down mood changes things up.... makes it genuine.")

and radiation was smooth, and easy.

i'll be asking the doctor to-morrow if i will see her the last tuesday i'm at radiation.  i'll ask her if they will just call me about the pet scan appointment, and who i will share those results with.  i'll shake her hand, and say thank you for helping in my recovery.

i'll be positive 20 percent of the time.  that's a good enough ratio for her.  :)

nap!!!!

7

before going in to treatment, i got into a discussion with garbo and sassy woman about hair.  garbo took off her wig, and showed us how thin her hair was on the top.  i told her about biotin.  sassy said the reason why she wasn't growing hair was because she kept covering it up with a wig.  the wig was rubbing all the new hairs off.  the wig made her look old.

i only said that she may be more comfortable without the wig during radiation.... or quick trips to walmart.

garbo was amazed by our openness.  sort of shocked that she looked old.  held her wig to her like a security blanket.

i won't be surprised if she decided to come in without the wig... but i swear it seemed like we were staging an intervention.  why was it so important to us?

grow.  be open.  be brave.  get back to normal as soon as you can.

live.

i'm very discouraged inside.  i don't want to continue doing treatments.  i don't want to continue playing watchdog over all these symptoms.

but, for one moment, i caught garbo's amazement, and was happy to tell her that the real her was beautiful.

may all that go through silent fights find sweet resolutions.


soon.....

i was all right, for a while

i've been wanting to cry all day.  i've been a disappointment to everyone, and i feel like i'm never going to get better.

i miss the swishing of hair against my face.... i miss smelling nice  (i still think that i have this medicine smell about me, even though no one agrees with me) ... i wish i were young again, and not awkwardly shuffling around with this joint pain....

i'm a mess.

but, i'm good for one thing.  experience.  someone in the cancer facebook group i'm in is about to go down the road i am going through right now..... to-night, she asked me about radiation.  i was glad to answer her question....

i had a pet at the end of my chemo.  the 10 cm mass had turned into a 3 cm pebble, but it was still there, under my arm.  the oncologist told me that it would probably only take 3 weeks of radiation to get rid of the rest of the cancer.  the radiologist wanted to do 4 weeks, so here i am, three weeks into it, hoping for the best.  
i will get another pet scan after my radiation, to see where i'm at.  the radiologist is extremely confident that the mass will be gone.  so, there's good news.  :)
radiation is not as hard, and you're already feeling better after the chemo.  soon, more and more of your hair starts growing back.  gradually, the rchop drugs loosen their iron fist hold.  you start to breathe easier.  just make sure you get in a nap every day.... your body is working hard to heal itself from the radiation, and you want to give it all the help you can give.  :)

it's amazing how much lighter you can feel when you help someone... especially when you know how heavy their load is.

and, who knows, maybe i'll be useful again.

one day....

8

busy day.

i went to radiation a bit disoriented.  i had just had a sit-down with someone, and was still massively tense.  luckily cheerful woman, cautious new wig lady, and machinist were there.  i went in, and kept it light hearted .... consequently it ended very quickly.

then, after school and a nap, it was time to see the eye doctor.

they dilated my eyes, and gave me a vision test.  i got the most thorough exam that i've ever had.  i asked about my father's cataracts, and was told that cataracts in your sixties was to be expected.  what i need to watch our for is retina tears.  if i have too many floaters in the eyes, a sudden drop in vision, or what looks like a curtain over me, then i was to get to the eye doctor immediately.

he also said my dry eyes were worse.  in fact, he winced as he looked at them.

i'm to try eye ointment, as well as the drops they gave me.

seriously, i'm too tired to try anymore.  i don't want to get better.  i know that part of it is because it's taking so long to get well.  also, it's extremely rough at home.  i'm trying to keep some want to live....but i'm not feeling it right now.

writing this helps.  if i could cry for an hour, that would help.  (if i had the energy, i would.)

eye doctor wants to see me in three months.  oncologist wants to see me in three weeks.  radiologist wants to see me every monday through friday.

i don't want to see anything anymore

9

the waiting room was empty when i got there.  good luck, rhoda.  i hope you get the "all clear" sign soon.

i changed, and waited.  soon, an older gentleman came in.  i was shy.... all i could say was "good morning."  cool lady (who was used to coming in the afternoon, because her husband worked nights) strolled in, with a smile, and a happy greeting.  she changed, sat down, and extracted the story from the gentleman.  he was a machinist, and was hoping to get his appointment time changed to early morning.... because by 11 am, he knew he was going to be covered in oil.

he was pleading his case while i was called in.

it was hard to position me to-day.  i have lost another pound, but i would think that wouldn't make for such a change.  i still don't mind waiting.  i'm glad to be coming in early, so that it doesn't matter.

no red skin yet.  still have aches, and twinges.... but the skin is holding up good, thank goodness.

i was too awake last night, and slept poorly.  it wasn't because of trouble, or stress.  i was just too wired, i guess.  i know to sleep means to heal.... i have to work on letting go of the day more.

one day i'll learn to relax, and let life be.

10

didn't get much sleep last night.  something's going on at home that's cataclysmic, but i have no control over it.

i'll concentrate on this fight for survival.

went in early.  it was thoda's last day.  i wished her well.... she was surprised that i was getting a pet scan after all of this.  she said that she didn't even know what was next for her.... she lamented the fact that a pet scan can't tell you if you are entirely free from cancer, because it can't measure the little bits inside of you.  another person (who sounded like greta garbo) nodded, and said it was very hard for people with breast cancer.... you think when they remove the lymph nodes that you are free and clear... and then you are not.

they had to reboot the computer again this time.  i was on the board for some time, but it gave me a chance to snooze... and think... and imagine.... so i was fine.

the doctor looked at my "affected area."  she said i lucked out.  if i had come six weeks earlier, i would be in a world of hurt because of the heat, and dry weather.  she said that she told her summer patients to pre-cool the car before they went in, because they were literally cooking themselves.

two more weeks.  in fact, yesterday's due date was the date of my last radiation.  i smiled each time i said it to a patron.

i'm under a lot of stress from home.  i have to stop thinking so hard.... the energy it takes to heal is being taken away.  i finally wrote a couple of poems, but they are markedly different from what i'm used to writing.
everything about me is changing.  i just want to be that young, impulsive, silly girl that had fun .... who was light-hearted, and hopeful.... not under all this doom all the time.

it sucks to be me.

whispers around the corner

right now, i have a sort of a crewcut, with gray and dark colours in my hair.  it's starting to look like i cut my hair like this on purpose.

and yet... i hear whispers around the corner about me.

"man, she really chopped all her hair off, didn't she?"  (amazement)

"what did she do to her hair?"  (disdain)

"wasn't that the pretty one with the nice hair?"

they look at my nametag, with an old picture of me, and ask "is that your daughter?"

people with mental health issues, who need explanations said to them slow, and loud, are taken to back rooms, and study areas..... they get talked to over and over until they understand.

some people are anxious around me.  all people want to accept me.  but most want explanations.

sometimes, i can't find words to explain.

all i can do is shrug my shoulders, and talk about how nice their shirt looks.

the wise ones understand.

but there are always questions.

11

my little laptops cracking this morning.  must be because of the nachos i spilled on it last night.  ah, a southern woman's problem....

rhoda lady was there to-day.  i asked her if she felt pain bone deep from the radiation.  she said she did.  i told her that others have told me that they didn't feel pain...that they just were tired.  she supposed that perhaps they didn't have chemo, then radiation.  i nodded my head.

(i also think that there's a sort of pain amnesia going on.  you remember the aches and such from chemo, but radiation is this downhill slope, and it becomes a picnic in the mind.  just a theory.)

the technician gave me a playful bit of a hard time because i lost a sticker on my left side.  he then put two different stickers on, because he knew one would fall off.  we talked about how autumn was starting to-morrow, and i was on my way.

not much more to add.  i haven't been writing.  i didn't sleep at all last night.  i keep missing that window of opportunity.  i miss my oldest, and i feel ancient.

so... in other words... business as usual.  :)

12

12 means i have twelve treatments left

to-day, i was the poky little puppy, and didn't leave the house until i absolutely had to.  then, i told great wig woman that i didn't wanna be there.... we both giggled.  she said the weekend was ahead, which made be a bit happier.  two days of not having to chases away the i don't wanna-s pretty well.

i was in and out of the board in a flash.

i can feel a bit of weariness on my right side.  no burns.  twinges.  i'm still able to carry things, and pick things up.  still being careful, though.

to-day is talk like a pirate day.  i feel like a pirate...stealing back my inheritance from a crafty outsider.  day by day, the sun looks larger on the horizon.

here's hoping....

13

i smile inwardly as i type the title to this blog.  13.   of course.

i wake up easily.  surfing a bit through the net before i get ready, i hear thunder.  then the downpour of rain starts.

dummy me with the no umbrella runs to the car, overcoat over my head.  i slide through shiny wet streets to the hospital, parking as close as i can to the buildings.  by then, the deluge has softened to splatterings of moisture.

still, i wished i could walk between the drops.....

i went into the radiation room, and change into my robe.  "it's still raining!" i call out to the fascinating wig lady (who's rhoda to-day).  she giggles hoarsely, and goes back to her book.  (i find out later that it's called the professor and the madman.  "who's winning?" i ask.  "wellll.....they're both friends now."  coolness!)

i should be writing more.  i should have brought a notebook to the waiting room....but the rain limited me, and forced me out the door without making allowances for my creative mind.  i'll have to see about tapping into my muse later.  there's a an uneasiness to me right now.... a bit of something inside that needs to come outside....even if it's just to play in the rain.

time on the board is longer to-day.  for some reason, they have to reboot the thing that guides the laser, and it ends up taking 2-3 minutes, technician time (five to six minutes jamison time).  i'm so relaxed that i end up snoozing.  the nurse is very apologetic, but i told her i needed the nap.

(i like this nurse.  she has the habit of saying "i'm in the room...." as she comes in, so she won't surprise me.  there's something reassuring in that.  "i'm in the room... it's almost over...."  i need to find some way of using this phrase in my work.)

not much else to-day.  overall, i'm not as tired as i was, but it may be because i slept well last night.  i can't wait until i can start walking....or biking..... or stretching....anything to get the kinks out of me.  sometimes, i feel extremely tense, as if i could curl up into a hard ball, and never get straight again.

soon, i'll be able to set myself free.

14 ?

ok, here's the deal.

i got told definitely that i was only going through four weeks of treatment.  so... i'm not sure what that means, countdown-wise.  let's go with one week down, three to go, shall we?

i woke up after a fitful night's sleep.  i knew it was doctor day... and i'm not very good with doctors.  i was dressed and ready early, and got to the hospital right on time.

i got to talk to cool wig lady for a bit.... mostly about lack of sleep.  she wore blonde tresses to-day.... very wavy, and feminine.  i didn't get to ask about her husband... next time.

another lady was waiting.... we talked a bit.  she was older than me, and had had breast cancer.  she had been a pediatric nurse, and head of a department.  she was there because she wanted to go to a dementia seminar, and they allowed her to reschedule her radiation.  she was surprised that they didn't remove my lymph nodes (they took twenty out of her). i asked her how the radiation was affecting her.  she pulled down her gown, and showed me.... it looked like a tender redness that would go away with a cool bath.  i was glad to see a sample of something i may experience.  this lady was smart, and optimistic.  i hope i see her again.

another lady came, and sat down after her.  she was another older lady with breast cancer.  she was just as open about her life... but i didn't have time to find out more than the fact that she had six months chemo, and that radiation was a very easy road for her.  again, it was good to talk to someone about things other people take for granted.... like sleep  :)

treatment was easy again.  (i didn't get a chance to snooze. darn.)

the doctor's nurse weighed me in before the doctor came in.  my weight was the same.  i feigned disappointment, and was told quite pointedly that it was best that i didn't lose weight now.  i know i know... but it's fun when weight sneaks off me like gremlins in the night.  oh well....

i talked to the lady doctor soon after.  she showed me my chart... the various pictures of the tumour, and the scans they made of it.  she said that if they took it out, then they would have taken out a lot of me with it... including a breast.  it was best to shrink it down.

then she said i had three weeks.... and the last week would be the one where they pinpointed right on the spot of contention.

three weeks?

really?

i was so sure i'd hear four more weeks.... but she acted like she didn't even consider it.  no "worst cast scenario."  nothing.

in a way, it feels like 'time off for good behavour.'  but, in a big way, i'm skeptical.  after all, i was told it was just a virus.  i was told i may only need three chemos.  i was told that chemo would do it.....

and now.... three weeks.

i know.  i'm so dramatic.  such a victim.  when will i learn to take things at face value?

when the face doesn't change.....

when the face doesn't turn away, and hide from the light....

when i can see the path again... and run straight home.

when i can live again.

sigh

20

talked a bit more to the lady ahead of me in the radiation line.  it ends up she has to have the earliest time...because she's the one who does it twice a day.  she has a type of cancer that grew when she was on chemo.  more aggressive techniques are needed.

she's been through a touch road.

i talked a bit to her, and more to the gentleman who was with her.  he was at the hospital to get a procedure done, but he wanted to be with her before he went in.  he called her his "hunting buddy, his riding companion, and his best friend"  and said that he would always make sure that the battle against cancer was, as he said, "not just her, but us."

he was strong, and good, and she was, too.  i hope they get to walk on firmer ground soon.

it's good to talk to people who're going through the same things you are.  i felt stronger, in a way, after the conversation.  more focused.  less pessimistic.  it helps me to think of others, and how strong they are.

it helps to believe i can be strong, too.

my treatment was easy to-day.  i got the feeling i was in a better position, to-day.... there wasn't as much scooting around, and the camera didn't seem to take as many pictures.  my upper body aches, but i don't know if it's because of the treatment, or the arm exercises i was doing yesterday.

i need to ask if i should wait on exercise when i go in to-morrow to see the dreaded doc.

i need to stop thinking of these docs as dreaded.

i need a nap.

:-)

21

pretty routine.

i saw the early woman to-day.... the one who normally has the wigs.  she was rhoda again...subdued, and reading.  i bade her good morning, and read my magazine.

my eczema was driving me nuts around my neck.... and my eyes were tearing up a bit, but i could feel the allergy medicine working while i was on the table.  the technician, and the nurse talked about a stomach bug that was making the rounds, and were, for the most part, very soothing.  i almost fell asleep on the table, but i attribute that more to the lack of sleep the night before than the company.

it was sprinkling again this morning.  how many times have i missed the rain, because of waking up so late?  it's very comforting to drive, slow motion in the rain, all the way back home.

don't know why i'm a bit sad to-day.  weather? fatigue? radiation?

all of the above

22

early morning sprinkles.  early morning rain.  things are the same, but different little by little each day.

i'm working with a published author, who's still getting used to our busy library.  i asked him how he's doing the other day.  he said he felt like a bicycle tire on a semi truck.  i totally understood what he was talking about.  it was within me to talk about writing with him, since i'm a poet, but i've held myself back so far.  don't want to overwhelm the guy.

went in for radiation to-day, and it was quick and easy.  there was a lady waiting ahead of me (it may or may not have been the long haired lady of yesterday, but i couldn't tell, because she had a rhoda scarf on to-day.)  she had her legs crossed, and was knee deep in a book, so i greeted her, and let her be. ( you don't have to talk to everyone, jamison :) )

my session on the plank was quick...especially since they marked me up to high heaven yesterday.  so, that was good.

don't have too much more to write about things.  i didn't sleep well last night because i had coffee too late in the day.  my left leg is better, and is better still when i don't fold my legs to-gether.  school is going good... better now that i wake this early.  perhaps a poem will slip out to-day, but i won't force it.  this weekend brings a trip to the museum, and work on sunday.

i just wish i wasn't on edge so much.  more sleep will help.... hopefully i can catch up on it, soon....

23

a light sprinkling of rain fell as i went in late to-day.  fall's coming....

i had to wait longer this time, because the machine was moved around, and the doctor had to ok the new position.  note to self: bring a notebook.  (dur... you would think a poet always does.)

much ado was made of the person ahead of me.  it ended up being because she had a long haired wig that made her look very different.  i had to look again, myself, because it didn't look like a wig at all.  it made me want to dig out one of my wigs.... but unfortunately all mine are on the short side.  i still may try one, just to keep my head warm.

while i was waiting in the waiting room, a man rushed in, and sat heavily near me.  he breathed heavily, and looked exhausted.  now, usually i'm the greeter, and the asker of questions....but it was hard for me this time.  it wasn't because he was black.  it wasn't because he was older.  (or was he?)  it may have been because he was weary to the bone..... i don't know.  

finally, i decided to accept him into my life... which is what you do when you greet someone.

"you would think the cooler weather would help."

"yeah.... and now it's sprinkling out!"

thank you, weather, for always being universally understood.

ended up this was his radiation day.... and, soon after, in muskogee,  his chemo day.  i can't imagine going through both at once!  no wonder he looked shrunk in his skin. 

talk lessens the pain and makes one stronger.... both our voices got bolder as we continued the conversation.  he remembered hearing about a lady who came in to do radiation....twice a day!  (this reminds me of the phrase "i cried because i had no shoes, until i saw a man who had no feet")

in the radiation room, it was harder to position me.  i was slid from one side of the board to the other.  at the end, the nurse drew two more lines on the right side of me, to help for next time.  that makes two x marks on either side of me, one on my right breast, and two under my right breast, all protected by clear stickers.  i'm cool with it.  they don't itch, and i can't feel them.  it's sort of interesting looking like a road map.

my arms are beginning to be sore from being overhead at a stressful time.  i took a hard nap yesterday, and am still a bit tired to-day.  my fingers were tingly last night.  also, i felt twinges under my arm again to-day.  but, that's all in the mind.

i need to stop being bitter.  i need to stop being the special snowflake that needs to hear things from people, to validate my pain.  i need to look out to other people, and lessen their pain.

i need to live .... and living for others is a beautiful, purposeful start.

get out of your room, jamison

24

i have three clear stickers on me, protecting three x marks on my body.  one on either side of me, and one on my right breast.  to-day, they took a longer time centerizing me.  they also moved the table slightly away from the camera.  no bumps this time.... 

i'm to see the doctors every wednesday.  this time, it was with the radiologist's assistant doctor.  he looked like a cross between john malkovich, and lex luthor.  i asked him if it were possible to feel the radiation on the first day.  he went into this long story where he thought he could sense a radiation beam on him, and even felt the hairs on his arm stand on end.  it ended up that the machine wasn't even on, and it was all in my mind.

i would have rather have him say that the reason my arm was sore was because of the position they put me in to get the radiation.  (it's hard to lie down, and have your arms over your head for a long period of time.)  that the fatigue, and pressure of waking up in the morning could make one very sensitive.  

but, then again, i'm a people person.  i expect too much.

i lost nine pounds since the last time i was weighed in. (five weeks ago)  i won't concentrate on that.  the more i think of numbers, the more i'll think "i'm losing weight, so it's ok for me to have this massive banana fudge sundae."  

my biggest fear is either oversleeping, or forgetting where i'm supposed to be.  i'm not really good at habits... the only thing i do daily is work.  maybe this will help me get more organized.... more ready to face the day in the morning.  who knows, it may be good for me.

the first radiation

7:30.  on the dot.  with escort.

immediately assumed the role.  went in, took off my blouse, and bra, and put on the backward gown.  quickly got called back in.  (no people were in the waiting room.)

the cool technician man, and a nice nurse woman were waiting.  i was immediately put on the board, and under the ray.

(this is almost exactly what the setup looked like:  http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/coping/radiation-therapy-and-you/page3 )

i laid down on the board, and waited for ....something.  anything to show that the process was starting.  i had been told that there would be pictures made, and then after that the procedure would start...but i didn't know which one was the camera, and which one was the ray.

it reminded me of the movie "i want to live."  it was a revolutionary movie against execution, with susan hayward in a starring role. at the end of the movie (spoiler alert)  she is waiting for the gas to drop, and the start of the execution.  as i remember, she was told to wait until she heard the pellet drop, then count to ten.

unfortunately, there were a couple of sounds that sounded like pellets dropping... so she ended up counting down two different times.

a very intense situation... her, alone with the machine that held her fate.... aimlessly counting down to her death.

i wanted to live, so i closed my eyes, and stayed as still as i could.... waiting for things to be over.

it was an intense ten minutes.

at one point, the camera block scraped against the board where my arms were.... i was praised for not moving, but they knew i was surprised because my "eyes got real big!"

it will be easier tomorrow, surely.  and i'm to see the radiologist (or, hopefully her assistant) every other wednesday.

i don't feel any different.... but i'm not really supposed to.... until the third or fourth week.  by then, i'll be too exhausted to care, right?

24 more to go.