oncologist remission visit

i went in to see the oncologist bright and early, and on time.... walking across the parking lot with shaking legs, and downturned face.

i don't know why it's gotten worse every time i see a doctor.  perhaps because i have more time in between to act normal.

i waited in line to pay my co-pay.  across from me in line was this beautiful thin lady, with an infinity scarf floating around her neck.  she had a smooth, bald head that i was instantly envious of.  (my bald head was always wrinkly, as if it were imprinting the brain underneath.)

i told her that her scarf looked lovely.... like beautiful watercolours.  she smiled brightly. she might have smiled more if i said i liked her big ole bald head, but i resisted the urge.  she was carrying a big purse.

co-pay was more this time around, and they asked me to take a form to fill out as i went on with my visit.  yay! homework!

then i was immediately sent over to the lab waiting area.  i was supposed to be at work in three hours... it seemed like i was going to have plenty of time to wait.

soon i was sitting at the little makeshift desk thing, waiting for my blood to be drawn.

a lady across from me sat down, with fear in her eyes.  a nurse asked her questions she wasn't prepared for.

nurse: "do you have a port?"
lady:   "uh....no."
nurse: "are you going to get a port?"
lady:   "uh.....i don't know?"
me:     "would you like some port?'
lady:   "yes."  (giggling)

it helps to make other smile.... especially when your own smile is far away.

soon i was in the doctor's waiting area.... it was too overcast to take many pictures.  i noticed they had a book sale area... i have to remember to bring interesting books in.  very soon, i was escorted back to the doctor area.

the nurse asked if i was all right.  i told her i was ok, but nervous.  she didn't blame me.  she took my weight, and lead me into the examining room.

she checked my blood pressure, and told me i had great numbers. she was trying to bolster me up a bit... it helped.  then, she went down the list of my prescriptions, to whittle them down to things i was taking at the moment.  i told her i was just taking vitamins, zyrtec, and an occasional big ass ibuprofen.  (i love the big ass ibuprofen.  they last a whole day, and really help with the pain i have.)

soon, my dear oncologist came in.  she had an observing doctor with her... someone who wanted to see if she wanted to be in the cancer field.  i didn't mind.  lady was lucky to have the best teacher leading her around.

she asked how i was.  i told her about how the radiologist was concerned about my right arm.  she asked if they had set up an appointment for a scan.  i said no, but showed both arms to her.  she didn't see any difference, and didn't act concerned about it.

(i almost don't want to go back to the radiologist.  i really feel her job is done.  i have plenty of time to cancel my appointment.  i really have to think on this.....)

she checked my spleen...liver... ankles.... lymph nodes in the neck, and underarm.  her touch was strong, and assured.  i was sure that nothing would get past her exam.

she made things right.

i talked to the new doctor, telling her that it was hard coming into the cancer place sometimes.  she said that it was probably the building.  i said yes, as well as the smells, and the sounds.  they both nodded their heads vigorously.  it felt good to be understood.

this time, my oncologist made sure to say that what i was feeling was normal... after all, i had something that was very much like post traumatic stress disorder.

when i had my first cesarean, i was told i had had a major operation.  i pooh poohed it, and tried to walk around like i owned the place.  i paid for it later with severe postpartum depression.  i try my best to belittle the traumas i've felt in life.... never to deal with them until it's too late.

hopefully by writing, and talking, reading and listening i can learn to live again.

i.  just.  don't.  know.

in the midst of our talking, i told my oncologist that i didn't even know if i was in remission.  she said that, to her, i was indeed in remission.  she wanted to give me another pet scan in three months, to be sure.

i haven't been sleeping well lately.  i haven't been eating right, either.  i'm going into the free clinic i have with my insurance wednesday, to make sure my eyes are not infected.  (i wake up in the morning, and my eyes are fused shut.  yeah, i know.  ew.  could it be allergies?  intense dry eye?  infection?  we will see.)

also, i've paid all but one bill having to due with the recent cycle of things (pet scan/lymph node removal).  it's great to have my work help me, with their medical compensation.  it makes it that much easier to face the future, with the various "are you ok?" pet scans to follow.

the less to worry about, the better, i say......

and so it goes.

radiation follow up

well, i thought this was going to be the last radiology visit.....

i went in, right on time.  walked past the receptionist station (the lady who used to be there is now a large young man with orange hair.)  i was asked to sign...something.  (permission for treatment, i think.)

then i waited.

there were new pamphlets at the patient table.  what to eat during cancer treatment.  what your prostate cancer means to you.  a cancer hat catalog.  in the background, i heard the news of the day.  (mostly about the traffic situation.... you can't swing a cat without hitting it against a traffic cone.)

soon, i was called back.  this nurse was different than the other one i encountered.  she didn't react at all to my weight. she asked if i had any scans recently.  i told her about the pet, but she nodded in a way that said "oh, i know about that one. i meant any other ones....." so my explanation trailed off, and i shrugged.  she understood.

(is it any wonder writers have trouble writing dialogue?  we have so many shorthand ways of talking....)

soon, the radiologist burst in.  she was glad to see me healthy, and thriving.  she liked my blouse, and the thin fabric was perfect for spring.  was that a natural curl in my hair? wow.....

after the inspection, she asked how i was.  i had no troubles to report.  she said she had never seen anything like what i had experience before... she believed everything happened for a reason, so even though the lymph nodes didn't have an irregularities, it was good to remove them just in case there was one small cancer cell in there....

she then called me over to the examination table to look at me.  (i had purposely decided to sit on one of the observation chairs, as if to say "i'm not sick.  i don't necessarily need to sit in the sick chair.")

as i went to sit down, i heard a small knock on the door.  she didn't.  i told her, and she praised me for having better ears than she did.

she was soon excusing herself, and running down the hall.

i sat, and looked around.  small room.  scale. dim lights.  beige.  very seventies looking.  the smell of alcohol.  the sound of a dull air conditioner.

sometimes life is a refresher course in memories you never wanted to remember.

the radiologist burst back in.  she said that she knew the patient would have trouble keeping her hands over her head... and was trying to make the treatment shorter for her.... in an undertone i said "it's a hard position to maintain, sometimes." and she said "yes... you would know about that"

she raised my arm, and said that it looked good.  she then pulled both my arms forward, and compared them.

she didn't like what she saw.

she said she wanted to keep an eyeball on my arm.... wanted to see me in six months.  asked me when i was to see the oncologist (next week.) told me to tell her that my arm concerned her, to keep her in the loop.

and... she was gone.

sigh.

so, i walked out of the exam room, with my sheet of paper.  handed it to the new girl at the receptionist desk.  (the one who made long pauses in her phone message to me....telling.....me.....when my next......appointment was.)

"ah, we get to see you back again in six months."

she scanned my face.

"are you not happy about that?"

"well.... it's different."  (resigned, soft voice.)

"ah.  different."

and soon i was out the door.

i'm not too worried about things.  i can't do much about it, anyway.  i just... wish i didn't remember things so vividly when i walked in rooms of the past.  it's as if i opened the door, and things came falling out, like fibber mcgee's closet.

one day i need to learn to live with the clutter, and not keep stuffing things away.

soon.

right now, tupperware is a comfort.

sigh

one year

this is my one hundredth post.

a year ago to-day, i was starting chemotherapy.  as i remember, i had a sandwich, ginger ale, cheese, doritos, and a banana nearby.  i was on my laptop, trying hard to remember what drugs were being put in me.

my whole world was tense.

now, little by little...bit by bit... i'm getting stronger every day.  i'm finding more energy to chase after patrons.  i'm finding more pep to write poems (some that even rhyme)

i'm finding myself in all of this mess

i'm not a 100%, though.  i still get overwhelmed in crowds.  (the world just got bigger, and i feel smaller.)  i still don't go to family reunions (i'm afraid of being in the middle of the land of allergies.)

sometimes, i let the insecurities take over.... 

not too long ago, i completed my session with the surgeon.  he put his finger into my armpit, and wiggled.  he said that my scar had healed good, and it looked like there were no complications. he then said "thank you" and hauled ass out of the room.

i called him back for questions.  further inspection.  reassurances.  i got the answers to my questions in two word answers, and no reassurances.

i should be used to that by now, right?

anyway, i was relieved to be rid of the man, and i'm sure he felt the same way about me.  when you are someone who really needs comforting, who is a bit of a basket case, it's hard to find someone who's patient with you in the way that you need.  i was really spoiled by the oncologist.

i need to be realistic with the rest of the world.

i went to the dermatologist recently.  remember when my new year's resolution was to get the lump under my arm looked at, and get my skin cleared?  well, this time it was my skin's turn to be taken care of.  my arms are looking a lot better, but i'm still having trouble with an irritation that i've had forever.... i may have to go back in to resolve it.  no worries.  it's something that dove soap, aveeno oil, vitamins, and a little special medicine will clear right out.....

so... like target, it's all on the up and up.

i will still write here.  i have a radiologist appointment soon... also a return visit with my ever loving oncologist.  there will be more scans.... and more anxieties.  more hopes, and more dreams.

bring them on

even though i'm technically in remission, i don't feel cured.  i don't feel sick, either.  i just feel a little better....day by day.

hope is here...... i'm so thankful it's back.....