chemo 4, and sit rep

i don't want to be here, but i have to.

the ct scan results came back.  oncologist was happy.  a 10 cm tumour shrunk down to 3.5.  (that could be cancer, but then again, it could be scar tissue.)  she said she's seen cases where tumours grow with chemo, so she was happy it was going down.  also, there wasn't any other inflamed areas...just the area under my right arm.  so, nothing's spread.  yay!

i asked her what would happen at the end of my chemos.  she said that soon after my last chemo, she'd send me in for a pet scan, to see for sure if there was any more cancer.  if there is, i have to get radiation.  if not, she still wants me to talk to a radiologist, but that the decision would be up to me.  (i think i will...just to make sure.)

she also said that she wouldn't be there for the next chemo.  i'll be talking to a man doctor.  (no worries.... i'm good with whoever she chooses.)  she'll be back from vacation for the last chemo, though.

she tried to make me feel better by talking about her birthday (mine was yesterday, hers was a few days before.)  she could tell i was discouraged, but i made sure to make her feel like it wasn't her.

it's all me.

i am very overweight now.  i don't know what to do about it, besides eat extremely right, and try to walk.  i know i'm going to be laying low for awhile, but i'm hoping it won't be so much this time.... but i won't push it.

oh, and all my counts are good....but my white blood cells are down a bit.  i'm worried about that, but i was told that was par for the course.  it's something i have to live with...for now.

i'm getting the last drug, and the place smells of pesticides.  i don't want to be here, but i have to.  not much longer, right?

i hate this.  i'm losing my eyebrows now, and my allergies are hitting me very hard right now.  i have that full feeling of being pumped with mega drugs.  my hands are dry from washing my hands so much.  i feel huge, and useless, and blah!

two more after this.  damn.

ct scan

i had a ct scan early wednesday.

i went in early.  i paid the co-pay (i'm now at the point where that's all i have to pay... yay, insurance!)

they gave me two things of barium solution to drink:

(sorry for the blurriness... still getting used to the new phone cam.)  i chose mochaccino because i hoped i could fool myself into thinking it was caffeine.... no!  i was told to drink one, then half of one a half hour later.  it was cold, and had a slight aftertaste...but not as bad as it could have been.

i was told to drink the last half before i walked in... so i was a sloshing fool when i got in there.  (thank goodness i was allowed to evacuate a bit before lying down.)

a ct scan was a lot like a pet scan, but it didn't have the special solution that made the cancer light up in me.  the barium they made me drink was to show my intestines better.  as i laid down, they put an i.v. in me,  and told me they were going to put a solution in me that would make me feel warm from the back of my throat, down to my... uh.....my... anyway... the hurse said that it would feel like i needed to go urinate, but that that wouldn't happen.

(in actuality, when the solution went in, it was hot, and i tasted metal.... but she was right.  i stayed dry, thank goodness.)

the ct scan was done in an area that was less claustrophobic.  i was driven into the doughnut sensor thing feet first, which helped.  ( the pet scan had me going in headfirst into a smaller metal tunnel, which isn't good for a woman who always seems to accidentally read "buried alive" stories.  as i do.)

this scan was a lot shorter,too.

the nurse asked me if the results of this scan would allow me to have less chemos.  that would have made me sad in the past, but just recently i read a thread on one of my lymphoma support egroups.  someone asked if there were anyone who had not relapsed, or were in remission.  a lot of them said they did r-chop, and all of them said they did six of them.  i'm really resolved now to finish this course of stuff, to make sure all this shit is out of me.

i may not be positive all the way through, but i'm resolved,

i got home from the ct scan, and immediately had to stay in the restroom for a-while.  (i know!  ew!  but this is a reminder to me for if/when i need to do this again.)  it's actually a pretty common side effect, and i'm sure it's much worse for someone going through chemo.

this week has been a mess of allergies, stress, and me dealing with things that i shouldn't.  my birthday is the day before the next chemo, and it's within me to want to drink, and over-eat, and stay up all night.... but i know i can't.  there will be days in the future when i celebrate, and really have something to be happy for... i'll store up my party energy for then.....

someone at work is having a go-away party friday... i had promised to bring cheesecake, but i have decided to bring it the night before.  no one needs to see my strange looking self.... even though i miss work like crazy.  (no i don't.  yes i do.  ok, no i don't.  but i do sometimes.)

i'll be glad when i can be me again....instead of this guarded me.

soon.....

sit rep

("sit rep"  means situation report.  it's something i picked up from someone in the military.)

wednesday was the first relatively normal day after my third chemo.  i've had a touch of diarrhea, achy limbs, hurting joints, and massive fatigue.  i still didn't do much on wednesday (i'm hoping to walk slowly through thursday).

there's been extreme stress in the house this week.  i want so desperately to change a situation that i feel like i'm clawing at the clamps of a steel bear trap.  i'm trying hard to keep from thinking of death.

i'm thinking of going into counseling again.... but i'm sure all they will say is 1) get out, and 2) go to a cancer support group.  i don't want to inflict my hell on people scared to the point of tears, wondering if they are going to survive.  so, i'm going to push hard to talk to a counselor by myself.... to clear the air, at the very least.

three more chemos seem so insurmountable.  fuck.