nine minutes

i'm working at a busy library, on a sunday.... i can't seem to catch my breath.

i'm in the back, allegedly on break...but everyone is working working working

and all i want to do is slow down.....and not stress so much

friday, the nurse finally called back and said that "no abnormal" is good news, but that the oncologist still wants to see me on thursday.....

he may want to do another test or two

after all, my body overreacted a lot to something

and it could mean something

i want to hear him out, and say "ok....."

but i also want to say "i want to change to another oncologist....."

i don't really know how to do that.

i guess i'll poll the audience.

read up on it

do all the silly things i do when i want to make a decision

inform myself.

encourage myself

steel myself..

i need to eat better.  i need to exercise.  i need to sleep better.

i need to stop stress

i feel so weak, but i know it's because i'm worried....and tired.... and anxious

five more minutes

the people here want to help me help.  i need to learn not to do it all myself

i wish i could tell everyone how messed up i am

(they might already know)

i'm not going into the haunted house to-night.  i'm afraid of the chills, and the horror ....

i'm afraid they'll make me cry.... and who wants that?

i'd rather be chicken than emo

especially on candy day

two more minutes

deep breath..... you can do this....

go help

biopsy

got there at 11.

was led to a surgical patient waiting room (my own room, shared bathroom) changed into a gown. (kept my pants on, wore the cool hospital socks)

sat for a while

they took my vitals, my blood (first from my hand, no dice....then my arm) and my wallet, and left an iv port in my left arm.

waited for a-while. (long enough to watch two half hour episodes of "pioneer woman."  i vicariously ate with them, even though i wasn't all that hungry.

got told by a nurse what would happen.  (no "explain what will happen to me" so they could make sure i understood like the other hospital did)

waited....then was rolled out.

i was positioned for a ct scan.  (luckily it was a doughnut one, and not a tunnel one)  they put medicine in my iv.  i got an oxygen tube put up my nose.  i was told to put my arms over my head, and the gown was taken off my right shoulder......

i don't remember the procedure.  i don't remember being rolled back into the room.

i do remember getting told by the nurse that they needed to call my ride ....

....two and a half hours early.

yeah

waited, and then all of a sudden my ride was there.

asked to speak to a doctor.

apparently the new bumps on the front are not to be worried about. just maybe..... skin trouble?

um, no....

went to urgecare.  told them how the first lump happened after arm exercises, and how the swelling went down with ice packs.  then told them how the second lump appeared this morning.

got an xray.  nothing.

they want to schedule an ultrasound, so they can see if it's an abscess.

i'm going to call the oncologist to-morrow, and at least let them know what's going on.  then, i'm going to have him look at it when he tells me i have cancer again....

if

if

if.......

at this point, i'm so tired of everything.  me.  cancer. my oncologist. life. food.  weather.

nothing seems to bring joy but sleep, and sleep won't come.

48 hours for results.

sigh....

scheduled biopsy instructions

biopsy is on the 25th.  (pushes back oncologist showdown until the third or sooner.)

go to st francis main admitting building (south) at 11 am.  don't eat, or have anything but clear liquid after 7 am.  (clear liquid can be sprite, of all things....

have a list of my meds, and herbals, and vitamins.  (i need to make triple copies of this, because the world wants to know)

i will be in the hospital from 11 am to 5 pm.  i need a driver.

this is a ct guided needle biopsy which roman (the guy i talked to) said would let me know if this was cancer or not.

i need a notebook.

i need lists.

i need to research.

i need to stop being so shaky.


read read read read......


and hope......

be proactive

don't think this morning's dream about being in a roman god and goddess world has anything to do with cancer.  i did like swimming back and forth across the pool, though.  i love when i can do something easy and fun, and still feel like i'm exercising.

(did i tell you i went to planet fitness for the first time in three weeks....trying hard to bust out a sweat, and tension... and maybe even the cancer?  i'm going again tonight, even though it's boring as hell..... i have to find a way to make it interesting.  audiobooks?  maybe....)

yesterday, i worked at my old library. (the one i was working at when i had cancer 1.0) i ended up telling a close friend there what was going on.... and, unfortunately, an acquaintance who was stuck in the room.  they both were very nice, and agreed that something had to be done with the oncologist.

i was on chat with my movie friend, telling him that i didn't know what was going on.....  and was told two words that i need to remember:

be proactive.

(well, actually, my friend said three words.)

so, i called the oncologist's nurse, and left a message saying i hadn't been contacted by anyone, and that i didn't know what to do. nurse called me back, and said that oncologist had scheduled me on friday, but we were still waiting on my insurance.

(the problem now is that i have a huge deductible.... and my library has to pay up front.  i hope this will not be a hardship to the library, but i don't know.... i hope not.  i want them to be able to help others....)

i was very quiet on the phone.  i asked the nurse if he (should i just name him?  why don't i just call him a ..... and hope for a b) if the oncologist prescribed ativan.  she said he did later, for chemo nausea.  my old oncologist gave it to me right off.... knowing i would need it for all the anxiety, and shock.  (it never helped, really...just barely.  the gesture was more important.)

i thanked her for her help in the quiet voice i had all day.... and she caught my mood immediately.  she matched tones, and was very respectful with her answer back, and her goodbye.

and now i cry.

luckily i didn't cry at work.

the nurse said that the insurance should call in the evening, or early this morning...... not yet.   oh well....

i wake with this big hunger.  i know it's because my body has been fighting, and needs more energy.  i wake shaky, and scared.  i feel and feel and feel under my arm for any signs of shrinkage.  it feels the same... barely there, but still something.

fuck.....

oh, the third word...the third word my friend said?

please.

please go away, cancer......

waiting

still waiting for insurance.  oncologist's nurse said that the oncologist scheduled the biopsy for friday.... but i have to wait on approval before i go.

then tuesday i go in and see the oncologist about the results.

as my mother got older, she would repeat things to me.  things she told me before.... about the squirrels that were near her garden, or the mexican soap operas she was watching on television.  i don't want to be like that.  but, then again, the more i repeat the things that are going on, the more i accept them.

______________________

i spoke to my boss about the situation yesterday.  he was very wise.  he said let's walk outside.... and i was able to tell him about what was going on without crying.  he told me about his problems, too, which was amazing because i wanted him to de-stress for so long, and he finally did.

he said that he was known to be a rebel, that fought for good causes.  if i wanted to come back to my library, he would save a place for me.

of course i want to come back!  i love working all day saturday, and helping......

i want to help again.

so... that's settled......
_________________________

the last time i was out for cancer, i had four months of vacation stockpiled.  now i only have eight weeks.  the last time, i knew how long, and what was going on.  i don't know anything now.

but i have to fight, and hope for a quick, total recovery.
_________________________________

i was praying hard to the full moon last night..... crying and marveling, and wishing and hoping.  it's hard to pray to God, because i do wrong by him all the time.  it's His will, obviously, if i survive.  i just can't do all that He wants me to do.......
___________________________________


hope hope hope...........

it's back?

my oncologist says that it looks like it's back.

there's a lump under my arm that lit up to 12 svu during the pet scan. there's a lymph node conglomerate that's swollen to 5 cm.

(but there's also nodes on my neck, and groin that lit up, too....  just not as bad.)

my ldh is 304.  some say that a high range is 333. on my test results, the range is 117-278.

i thought it was the flu, or some other kind of cold, because other people have had problems around me.

but.....


now, i'm waiting for a biopsy to be scheduled.  then, i will see my oncologist again, and find out what to do next.

probably r-gdp.  then something having to do with a stem cell (not a replacement.... i heard stem cell chemo.)

i don't know as much as i would have liked to because i panicked when i found out, and cried quite loudly.

then the oncologist said i had to calm down ... in an even louder voice.

this oncologist is not personable like the other one i had.  this one is cold, and just wants to leave the room as quick as possible.

this oncologist is not for me.

i had a dream recently.... i was on a school bus with strangers going....somewhere.  we stopped in front of the school, and unloaded.  i went down the hall.... then realized i had left my backpack in the bus.

i went back, and got the backpack, then tried to leave the bus.

there was someone blocking the door,  i couldn't open it.  i tried and tried.... and finally pushed it open.... then i ran out.

someone close to me said it was the perfect dream for my situation.  i didn't feel ready.  i didn't know what was going on.  i didn't have help......

...and perhaps i knew who was at the door.  blocking my progress.

it's time to change to an oncologist who'll help, instead of enduring someone who isn't.

it's a small thing, but i need every ounce of my energy and mind to get well.....

-----------------------------

why?  why did it have to happen now?  i was almost at the two year mark..... i can't do this again...... i'm so miserable about things.  i had plans to travel soon.... i was working so hard to get things to-gether so i could go somewhere, and relax, and create, and live......

did the work do this?  the stress of working every day?  did i just run myself down to nothing?

is it all my fault?

probably