one year

this is my one hundredth post.

a year ago to-day, i was starting chemotherapy.  as i remember, i had a sandwich, ginger ale, cheese, doritos, and a banana nearby.  i was on my laptop, trying hard to remember what drugs were being put in me.

my whole world was tense.

now, little by little...bit by bit... i'm getting stronger every day.  i'm finding more energy to chase after patrons.  i'm finding more pep to write poems (some that even rhyme)

i'm finding myself in all of this mess

i'm not a 100%, though.  i still get overwhelmed in crowds.  (the world just got bigger, and i feel smaller.)  i still don't go to family reunions (i'm afraid of being in the middle of the land of allergies.)

sometimes, i let the insecurities take over.... 

not too long ago, i completed my session with the surgeon.  he put his finger into my armpit, and wiggled.  he said that my scar had healed good, and it looked like there were no complications. he then said "thank you" and hauled ass out of the room.

i called him back for questions.  further inspection.  reassurances.  i got the answers to my questions in two word answers, and no reassurances.

i should be used to that by now, right?

anyway, i was relieved to be rid of the man, and i'm sure he felt the same way about me.  when you are someone who really needs comforting, who is a bit of a basket case, it's hard to find someone who's patient with you in the way that you need.  i was really spoiled by the oncologist.

i need to be realistic with the rest of the world.

i went to the dermatologist recently.  remember when my new year's resolution was to get the lump under my arm looked at, and get my skin cleared?  well, this time it was my skin's turn to be taken care of.  my arms are looking a lot better, but i'm still having trouble with an irritation that i've had forever.... i may have to go back in to resolve it.  no worries.  it's something that dove soap, aveeno oil, vitamins, and a little special medicine will clear right out.....

so... like target, it's all on the up and up.

i will still write here.  i have a radiologist appointment soon... also a return visit with my ever loving oncologist.  there will be more scans.... and more anxieties.  more hopes, and more dreams.

bring them on

even though i'm technically in remission, i don't feel cured.  i don't feel sick, either.  i just feel a little better....day by day.

hope is here...... i'm so thankful it's back.....