results

wow...results are in.

i'm not menopausal.

for real?  yeah, for real.

seems like chemo does something to everything.... it depletes um.....it...uh.... it stops your periods.  yeah, and it has taken my body this long for it to regulate itself.

so, there's that.

and my thyroid is perfect.

darn.

oh well.

so, anyway, i am to go into the gyno if my periods get worse, more heavy, or more painful.

until then...... it's all ok.

coolness.

snatched

went to the gynecologist to-day.

the office wasn't close by, and i didn't quite give myself enough time to get there.  there was no worries, though.  by the time i got there, many people were saying the same thing ....."traffic bad.  left turn signals slow.  sorry."

there was much understanding.

i waited in the waiting room long enough to finish the patient form, then was called back by the nurse.

i got my weight done, and my blood pressure.  (120 over something or the other.)   the nurse asked me a few questions, then  i was told to disrobe, and put on a backward gown,

the gown covered one side of me, like some bad bob mackie design.  luckily, i had a drape for my legs, to cover up most of what i was being seen for.

then the lady gyno came in.

she was shorter than her profile picture.  a little older.  sure of herself, and patient.  not as appreciative of humour as her nurse was, but i'm used to that.  (nurses are the best opening acts ever, with great one liners, and steady hands.)

the gyno was able to look at all that had happened to me, because her, and the oncologist used the same chart system online.  so, she was even able to see my pet scan results.  a great innovation!

she said she wasn't worried about the light up on my left side.  she agreed with me over the fact that there was no such thing as a perfect pet scan... the body's always fighting somewhere.

then came the exam.

she checked my breasts, and told me they would call me to schedule a mammogram.  she checked the front of my body, in the groin area.  then..... she did a pap smear, and checked me internally.

i didn't cry.  i didn't feel ashamed.  i didn't clench up, or tremble.  i guess after all that's happened, things like that go by the wayside.

gyno said that rchop has been known to speed menopause on through, but she wanted to take a blood test to be sure.  (apparently, something in your blood can tell when you've gone through the change.)  also, i think she said she was going to check my thyroid, because if i had radiation under my arm, then that area may be affected.

and that..... was that.

i dressed, and went to the receptionist.  i was going to ask her how to access my chart, but she was on the phone.  i waited.

while i waited, i saw a mother with three children in the waiting room.

"don't hit.  don't hit him." she said, evenly. "you think i'm afraid to spank you in front of all these people? no.  don't hit. don't. "

"oh, it's ok.  she can hit me if she wants to." (that was her slightly older brother, sweet voice, and placating.)  "see....she's just giving me a high five on my shoulder.  see?"

how beautiful some children can be....

it was talking longer than anticipated to wait for the receptionist, and i still had to get lab work done, and i was hella hungry, so i just motioned "that's ok" to her, and left.

then, the oncologist's nurse called me on the phone.

i told the nurse what i asked her to call for (basically, the lumps on my arm had gone away.)  after much hesitation (involving a call for lab work that she needed to find out more about), she finally told me that i didn't need to come in until the next pet scan in march.

thank goodness.

the lab had a full waiting room.  they asked for your id, your insurance card, and told you to write down what time you came in.

i waited twenty minutes, and then someone called my name.

i was taken back, and given my insurance card.

wrong one.  wrong me.  sorry.

i went back out into the waiting room, and i swear i took a nap....then they called me again.

one stab, and i was out of there, with a cotton ball, and that strong ass tape that takes off skin as a parting gift.

oh, well.

results should come in to-morrow, or the next day.  one more thing taken care of.....

doctor, my eyes

so, my ophthalmologist called.  very informally.  left a quick message.

i smiled faintly, and called him back.  him, i can deal with.  he's young, appreciative of humour, and someone who wants me to ask questions.  good man.

so, i have irregular corneas.  (dude, i'm irregular all over.)

he wants one of his partners to look at me, to make sure about the irregularity.

it could be that i have dry eyes, which would make the cornea appear irregular.

it could be that my cornea is changing, which would mean i need to be monitored each year for continual change, since the new toric lenses are helping me have great vision.

or it could mean that my cornea is changing significantly..... and that i will need surgery, and a cornea transplant in the future.

dr city (named by google voice) is hopeful.  i'm not going blind.  i'm not having wild difficulty.  i'm just needing to be looked over, and kept track of.....

....like i am with everything else.

thing is, my eye doctor doesn't think the chemo did anything to my eyes.  this is just a natural progression i get for being old.

so.... it's good that i went back to good old dr. city,  instead of staying with the optometrist chain that gives me a new doctor at each visit, and perplexed looks every time i come in.

a blessing in disguise, in a way.

oh well.....

new doctor, old feelings

i have a new oncologist.

i should have expected this when everyone at work was talking about having to switch over to another hospital system.  i just thought that you didn't change oncologists.   who would stop care so specific and careful over insurance?

so, i went in to see the new oncologist.

he seemed ok.  he wore a suit, and was ...um... there.  then he asked for a pet scan.  i hadn't had one in a-while, and it made sense that he wanted to get the full picture.

well, there was a light up over the left groin.  he wants to do another pet scan in march.  ok.

thing is, he isn't very personable.  he tends to spock things, and not in a good way.  matter of fact, and a cold undertone, he is.  (i'm upset and weary when i think of him.  that may be why it's been so hard to write about him.)

so, when he told me that i had an irregularity (a 9 mm light up), i cried.  and tried to control myself.

and he....just looked at me.  and said nothing.

just like enigma.

so, i've been on watch and wait, basically.  (albeit unofficially. they didn't call it "watch and wait" but it's the same idea.)

and.... now there's this lump.

a day ago, my breast was feeling tender.  now, there's this lump near my underarm, but not under it.  i called, and left a message for the nurse.

now, when i called and left a message with the old oncologist, she took until the afternoon to call me back.  well, i don't know if it's because of the holidays, or what, but i got a call very quickly.  an australian nurse asked me what was going on, and tried to get all the details.

she said she would tell the new oncologist about what was going on, and that they would see me on the 14th, for lab work and exam.  that was awesome news to me, because he hadn't labbed me at all since the first time he saw me.

my old oncologist labbed me every time she saw me.  my old oncologist gave me two antibiotics for every infection i had.  my old oncologist hugged me, and really let me know that she was part of my fight, not an observer of it.

i don't want to see the new oncologist, but maybe i can.... at the very least.......i can help him help me.

one hopes.....

pet scan results

sorry it's been so long since my last entry.  let's bring you up to speed, ok?

on tuesday, july 7, i had a pet scan, this time at st francis' cancer center.  (my insurance changed.)  it was very different from hillcrest.  (as it is when you move from a hospital set in the seventies, into a a new place with state-of-the-art technology.)

i went in (after paying $100 more than i thought i was going to pay), and was told to go to a room. it had a comfy chair, and a big screen tv... all for me :)  they gave me a bottled water, and injected the solution.   i rested, watching everything from an old "highway patrol" episode to earring ads on the shopping network.

soon, i was in the pet scan room.  instead of a long, claustrophobic tunnel, it was a friendly, cancer-seeking donut that i floated through in about twenty minutes.  after that, i walked out the door, looking out at the rain...graham crackers in hand, uncertainty in heart.

on thursday, july 23, i went to my home cancer center.  my oncologist was on maternity leave, so i was to see the nurse-practitioner on duty.  i came in, after a quick blood scan.  a nurse took my vitals, then told me to circle what symptoms i had on a piece of paper full of creative complaints.  the nurse told me who i was about to see was big on symptoms.  i haloed a few items, and waited.

no one looked at that piece of paper through the entire visit.

the nurse practitioner came in.  she cut right to the chase, which made me very grateful.  i had a 1.5 cm thing that lit up underneath my arm.  she used many complicated words... terms that nurses used to explain things to doctors.  i had to ask what every other word meant.  i felt stupid, awkward, and very sad. it was hard to hide my fear, but i tried my best.

i was never brave.

i was told that i needed to check my affected area diligently.  i was on "watch and wait", a term i always read with trepidation every time i saw it in the cancer books.  watch for whatever was out of the ordinary, and report it as soon as possible.  if nothing happened, then i would be seen in three months, by my regular oncologist.

be ever diligent.

i left the office in shaky tears.  the person i was with didn't know what to say... it was good that nothing was said.  empty words don't do much at times like that.  

i went home, and tried to forget.

on the 28, early in the morning, the nurse practitioner left me a voicemail message.  she told me she wanted to talk to me about my pet scan results.  i called her back an hour later.  my butt called her two hours later.  i called her again to apologize over my butt.

no answer, all day.

i got no sleep, thinking "if she's calling, but not calling back, it isn't important.  or, it is, but she's way too busy to call. or....or... or...."

the next day, i checked my charts online.  there wasn't anything in the radiology section past the last pet scan.  no clue.

at 2:34 pm, she finally called me back.  she was full of apologies.  she was busy yesterday.  to-day, she had child care issues.  she was off balanced a bit.... and i was immediately at ease.

no worries. just tell me, i said silently to myself.

she did.

i was told to forget everything i had heard before  she had read the wrong pet scan, and was telling me the information that lead to my lumpectomy, instead of the results of the scan taken after the operation.

i was cautiously optimistic.

she told me the good news. i didn't have any light ups.  there were swollen areas right where they were supposed to be, in the area where i had my operation.  there was a new bit of swelling at the top of my legs, but it wasn't worth any worry.

(i felt foolish.  the results she told me should have sounded familiar, but because of the way she communicated, and the pessimistic view i had about the whole thing, i took it as new news.  and, to tell you the truth, i'm still acting as if i'm under that "watch and wait" umbrella.  maybe that's good.  maybe i need to live in caution.) 

i still will talk to my oncologist in three months. even with her apologies, the nurse practitioner used words that were long, and hard to understand.  she would not say that there wasn't any cancer, only that there weren't any light ups.  she had said before that if the cancer wasn't seen in me for two years, that it was a fine sign that it wouldn't return.

i need to check the dates (i really need to write them all down on one post, anyway) but i think i'm close to that mark.

and then i'll be healed.... inside.......

pardon me if i'm still healing, emotion wise.

i have to learn trust again

dipping a toe in

i guess it's time for a sit rep, huh?  been long enough.

in a week, i'm supposed to have a pet scan, with a new hospital.  (gotta love insurance.)  when they were giving me an option for appointments, the lady said "we could schedule you to-morrow, but i'm sure you're not ready for it."

not physically.  mentally, i was ready three months ago.

anyway, it will be good to put a period at the end of this sentence.  yes, i understand that the surgeon "knows" that he got all the suspicious stuff out with the lumpectomy.  me, i gotta see proof..... and hope that nothing new has cropped up.

it's the optimist in me.

i've had a dilly of a time with my eyes.  they've been getting progressively drier even before chemo, but now.... worse.  the edges of my eyelids are starting to stick to-gether in the morning.  my vision is out of focus at the beginning of the day... not good for this 9-1 working girl.  luckily, i've found some scrub for the eyelids, and have been putting on the protopic very sparingly on my face.  oh, and i got a cool mist humidifier.  did you know that a window ac dries out the air in the room?  i don't need that, that's for sure.

(pardon me.  i've just watched a few episodes of m*a*s*h*, so i sound a bit...different in my writing voice.  about time that i've gotten better, though.  i need to straighten myself up, and fly right, like i know i can.  no more babying myself.  yeah, let's see how long that'll last.....)

i long for a time where i don't talk about my ailments first, then my accomplishments.  i don't bombard my sickness with everyone, but i'm sure the ones close to me are a bit tired of hearing about my illnesses.  my mother used to repeat herself over and over again.... i fear i'm doing the same.

i want to go back to the fearless me again.  where did she go?

so, i'm drinking more water.  got more fruit.  hoping to get more veggies, or at least veggy juice.  almost said yes to a full time job... now i need to get creative, and make my part time job count, but not rule my life.  if i keep saying i can't do a full time job, then i need to stop slacking with all the free time i say i need... and really do something in life.

i need to stop lamenting the past..... and make the future brighter.  for her.  for them. for him.  maybe one day... for me.


time starts now...... 

  

bumpy roads

i cried in front of my son just now.

i've had trouble with my eyes again.  they are watery, and tired, and i can't keep contacts in them.  they are sensitive to light, and crusty in the morning.   i want to say it's allergies, but i'm not sure.

i know...i know... i said i would go to a doctor.  i will to-morrow, i promise.

i was talking to my son about plays, and his life, and things..... and i told him i got overwhelmed.  i told him that i will stop, in mid-sentence, and search for words.  he told me everyone does it.  i said no, it's different.... i can see the object, and touch it with my mind, but it takes a-while to say the word.  and, when i stop in mid-sentence, people think i'm done talking, and barrel on through with the conversation....

and that's when i cried a little cry.

i said i was stupid, and old.  he listened.  i said going to the doctor would help.  he said it would tremendously.  i told him that he could have said "you aren't stupid.  you aren't tired."

"i could say those things.....but you already know that."

wise man.

i'm tired.  i need to get better sleep.  i worry too much.  will it come back?  are my eyes a symptom?  will my skin ever be 100% clear?

will i ever be normal?

in the world right now, people are worried about finding loved ones in earthquakes.  they search for peace on their streets, and justice for their brothers.  they hope to stop hurting worldwide....

i'm so fucking self centered.  

i'll get over this hump, and be useful again.  the rain will not fall for so long this time.  until then, i will be positive and hopeful for others..... and write out what hell is inside.

it's what i do best.......