sit rep

("sit rep"  means situation report.  it's something i picked up from someone in the military.)

wednesday was the first relatively normal day after my third chemo.  i've had a touch of diarrhea, achy limbs, hurting joints, and massive fatigue.  i still didn't do much on wednesday (i'm hoping to walk slowly through thursday).

there's been extreme stress in the house this week.  i want so desperately to change a situation that i feel like i'm clawing at the clamps of a steel bear trap.  i'm trying hard to keep from thinking of death.

i'm thinking of going into counseling again.... but i'm sure all they will say is 1) get out, and 2) go to a cancer support group.  i don't want to inflict my hell on people scared to the point of tears, wondering if they are going to survive.  so, i'm going to push hard to talk to a counselor by myself.... to clear the air, at the very least.

three more chemos seem so insurmountable.  fuck.