be proactive

don't think this morning's dream about being in a roman god and goddess world has anything to do with cancer.  i did like swimming back and forth across the pool, though.  i love when i can do something easy and fun, and still feel like i'm exercising.

(did i tell you i went to planet fitness for the first time in three weeks....trying hard to bust out a sweat, and tension... and maybe even the cancer?  i'm going again tonight, even though it's boring as hell..... i have to find a way to make it interesting.  audiobooks?  maybe....)

yesterday, i worked at my old library. (the one i was working at when i had cancer 1.0) i ended up telling a close friend there what was going on.... and, unfortunately, an acquaintance who was stuck in the room.  they both were very nice, and agreed that something had to be done with the oncologist.

i was on chat with my movie friend, telling him that i didn't know what was going on.....  and was told two words that i need to remember:

be proactive.

(well, actually, my friend said three words.)

so, i called the oncologist's nurse, and left a message saying i hadn't been contacted by anyone, and that i didn't know what to do. nurse called me back, and said that oncologist had scheduled me on friday, but we were still waiting on my insurance.

(the problem now is that i have a huge deductible.... and my library has to pay up front.  i hope this will not be a hardship to the library, but i don't know.... i hope not.  i want them to be able to help others....)

i was very quiet on the phone.  i asked the nurse if he (should i just name him?  why don't i just call him a ..... and hope for a b) if the oncologist prescribed ativan.  she said he did later, for chemo nausea.  my old oncologist gave it to me right off.... knowing i would need it for all the anxiety, and shock.  (it never helped, really...just barely.  the gesture was more important.)

i thanked her for her help in the quiet voice i had all day.... and she caught my mood immediately.  she matched tones, and was very respectful with her answer back, and her goodbye.

and now i cry.

luckily i didn't cry at work.

the nurse said that the insurance should call in the evening, or early this morning...... not yet.   oh well....

i wake with this big hunger.  i know it's because my body has been fighting, and needs more energy.  i wake shaky, and scared.  i feel and feel and feel under my arm for any signs of shrinkage.  it feels the same... barely there, but still something.

fuck.....

oh, the third word...the third word my friend said?

please.

please go away, cancer......