chemo 6: and then there were none

arrived at the oncologist right on time.  my eyes are red, and mad about being awake.  (i'm getting glasses... i'm sure that will help.)

i get a pet scan on monday.  my oncologist should call at the end of the week with the results.  then, i'm probably going to talk to a radiologist.  then, i'll see the oncologist every three months for a certain point....then every four months.... and in five years, if i keep in the clear, i'll be considered cancer free.

my oncologist is so optimistic she could bust wide open in smiles, and encouraging words.  i'm more cautious.  it'll be ok..... but who knows what's on the road ahead.

she checked around my clavicle.....and my neck....and under my arms.  she told me to check there myself.... sort of like a self exam.  you best believe i'm going to come in if there's the slightest suggestion of a lump.  and so my watch begins.....

she gave me some ideas about primary doctors.  i was thinking about staying with my original doctor.... working on the idea that i could challenge him more now that i know he misdiagnosed me, but that sounds like too toxic of a relationship to have with a doctor.  i have a small list of doctors to check on....and i had forgotten about my former cool ass british doctor who, last time i heard, moved back to tulsa.  i should see where he is, too.....

they put the iv in my hand this time, which was initially more painful, but it's easier to type, and deal with.  my eyes have calmed down a bit, but the edges of the lids are still sticky.  i'll be very glad to get over this medication, and get my looks back.  

i miss me.

i was so scared coming in, and now i'm just rocking through the drugs as if nothing is happening.  i have so many conflicting feelings.... am i well?  am i going to ever get back to normal?  will i get my hair back?  and what about naomi?

i'm glad for the pain.  i'm glad for the drugs.  i'm glad for the bald.  i'm glad for the scans.  with the sun, there can be rain.  i can't explain.  i live for the pain..... because it makes me alive again.

be well.  please.