sit rep

worried about monday.  yes, i know it's the last chemo.  i know i should be celebrating... and perhaps i will when i get to ring the bell.....

but if the cancer isn't gone, then it's on to radiation.  and if the cancer isn't gone, it may mean stem cell transplant.... and then.....?

i swear i feel like the cancer is gone now.  but i don't trust my feelings.  i don't want to get my hopes up.

also, my eyes are really watery.  and, my face is very dry.  i can't wait to stop chemo, and try to get my skin back to normal.  at least that's something i'm good at, and can succeed at.

i just want all this to be over.

i've been patient with myself.  i've let myself cry more.  but, i haven't let myself panic.  for some odd reason, i was rubbing my scalp the other day, then i started to really cry, because i kept thinking "it's going to take forever for my hair to be long again... it's going to take forever before i look normal.... i'm never going to have my hair the way it was before.... why the hell did i let them do this to me......"

and i stopped myself right there, and thought of something else.  because i knew i had to go through chemo, to live.  and whatever it did to me is only going to help me later.... help me learn patience... help me learn humility..... help me learn to get help from other people....

....help me to learn how to help others.... which i always want to do.

can't wait for monday.  and tuesday.  and wednesday......

and the rest of my life.....