necking

i really should learn how to title these things....

so, i went to the cancer center to have my port looked at.  my oncologist's nurse has a way of trying to break the rules....mostly so i don't have to pay a co-pay.  (especially good since i have to go in again on monday for chemo.) this time, the ploy didn't work...and i was sent upstairs to be seen.  (i don't mind this time.  i had a healthy paycheck this time around. )

my oncologist came in, wild haired, clogs a-clomping.... giving words of sympathy whole heartedly.... ready to sit, and really listen.  i told her about the pain in my neck, and how the port seemed warm to the touch....  she immediately leaped up, washed her hands, and checked the area in question, apologizing in advance for the cold hands.  (peoples' hands are seldom cold to me.  odd, since i'm usually the warmest person in the room.)

she immediately saw what the nurses downstairs saw.  a pink, raised area around the port..... (it shouldn't be that pink) that was warm to the touch (it shouldn't be that warm) that radiated pain from my chest to my right shoulder (even though it takes four to six weeks for a port to get to a normal state, i shouldn't be in this much pain....)

my oncologist was nodding her head, saying it was probably an infection, but it would be a good idea to get an ultrasound to make sure there weren't any blood clots.  she withdrew her hand from my chest, and i asked her if she could feel something else.  she vigorously assented, and i took her hand, and put it where the tumour wasn't.

(i say "the tumour wasn't" because i honestly can't feel it anymore.  i can feel phantom pains, but not the huge mass that it was)

she felt....and felt again.  her eyes widened.  "that's great!!!"  she was so happy..... giddily so.  she puts her heart so much in these different cancer battles.... i was glad to give her some good news.

i asked her if she was going to check my progress after the third chemo.  she said that's what they usually did, and that she would evaluate then.  i may just need three chemos, and radiation..... or six chemos.  it all depended on the results.  she did say that it was rare to see such a remarkable change in tumour size after only one chemo.

they sent me off with promises of antibiotics, and muscle relaxer.... to the ultrasound people.

st john must have been burned by bad patients, because they wanted a $100 deposit for the ultrasound.  i had the money, but i still felt this feeling of shame having to pay so much..... as if i was paying for the mistakes of others.  still, i tried my best to be happy in front of the billing lady.  they get enough gruff throughout the day.

the ultrasound lady was a lot like the echo woman.... she couldn't tell me anything about the results, because she wasn't a doctor, but the fact that i was allowed to leave the building meant that she didn't find anything unusual.

so, no blood clot.  but aw yissss muscle relaxers.  (which i'll probably only use at night.)  the oncologist said she would give me another prescription for ativan, if i needed it.  i hadn't the heart to tell her that i barely used the ones she gave me, because i'm afraid of turning into heath ledger.

oh, and to-day was the day i had to wear a head covering for the first time.  it was also the first time i noticed that people were looking at me, but not looking at me.  staring at me, but then avoiding my glance.  i wasn't mad....i just wish i knew how to look better.  shaving my head will help.... as well as the "look good, feel better" class that's coming up.

i need all the help i can get.