tired nausea

i've been nauseous and tired for the past three days.

i know it's part of the prednisone crash, but i feel so helpless.  it's like i can't enjoy my food, without thinking it's all going to come back up.  (i haven't thrown up yet, but i hate the feeling.)  

i know i shouldn't complain.  i know that with each chemo it's going to get worse.... i just wish i didn't have to go through this.

a co-worker is going back to work after maternity leave.  another co-worker is talking on facebook about how difficult it is to work with another co-worker.  another co-worker may be leaving soon.  so many stories i miss out on.... i don't want to go back to work now, but i miss the people.

i miss living.

i know.  i'm living now.  and i need to find things to do to make me better.  i just wish..... i was there.  

i should visit soon, to remind myself how tiring it gets.  on a thursday, when my boss is there.  he's nice, and he is good about letting me do things in the back.

i'll get better soon.  and even if i am never 100% i can work on it... and find new ways of doing things.

i was so young once.

yeah, this is one of these whiny posts.  here's the part where i say i feel like i'm dying every day.  and i wish i was at the ocean.  and i wish i was healed, and back to my asshole self again.

and.... how different i will be when i go back to work.

but not now.  now i'm looking out the window at the cold sunshine, hearing the birds talking to each other..... wishing for picnics, and pools, and energy to play.

one day.  

one day soon.