at first she said that the treatment would take four weeks. (my oncologist said it would be three.) then she went through all my records and files in front of me, as if she had never seen them before. (i'm sure that's standard procedure now, but i always think that it's good to anticipate things, and look over stuff before you see someone....but i guess no one has time to do that anymore.)
then she said that it may take five weeks.
i'm going to be doing consolidation radiation therapy. it's like the closing pitcher coming in at the end of the baseball game, to sweep away any enemies, and make sure i can win the game. i have an 80% chance of getting rid of this cancer. but, in a later part of the conversation, the radiologist said she had never seen anyone leave with cancer in their body. so she's set the bar high....
i just wish she'd listen to me.
so, here's how it goes...
monday (or perhaps friday) i'm going in for a simulation. a ct scan will be done, to figure out how to aim the instruments that will give me the radiation. also, i will be tattooed with small dots to help with placement.
a week after that i go in, monday thru friday, at 8:00am, and get a treatment, allegedly in 10-15 minutes. (i'm a bit skeptical here, because it took more than an hour to see the radiologist to-day.)
the radiologist was very thorough. she checked under my arm, and compared it to the other side, saying that she did feel the lumps underneath. she showed me the first pet scan, where the big mass looked like a small kidney under my arm. the latest pet shows three small dots.... so it's breaking up, rather than staying a big piece.
she says that the only risk she's worried about (and she said she would be diligent on checking on this) is with lymphendema. (a blockage of the lymph nodes). she talked a tiny bit about breast cancer, but said that there was only a very small risk i would get it from the therapy.
she then tried to cheer me up with the positives. no cancer, of course. i wouldn't have to wear deodorant under my right arm anymore, nor would i have to shave. so there's that.....
i tried to answer all her questions, but it seemed like she was just asking to ask, because she never seemed to wait for an answer. my eyes were bad this morning, and it didn't even help when i teared up in front of her. they are dry, and i'm still sore, and messed up after my asthma attack last night. ( i tried too hard to clean the kitchen.... too much stress.) luckily she did notice my eyes, and said that if i wasn't getting any better in three weeks, then we should send me to an ophthalmologist.
i'm worried about my eyes, and especially the ugly bags under them. i'm sad about how long the treatment is going to be, but i think it's going to help to return to work on monday.
i'm scared, and a hella lonely. i feel like i'm drowning in plain sight. it will help to get the process started.... and to cry my eyes back to health.
i hope.
i wrote this poem before meeting the radiologist. i now know i have been spoiled by my oncologist.....but maybe i won't have to talk too much to the radiologist. anyway, these were my thoughts at the time:
happy anxious
healing
burning intense
curing
hoping for the best
but not believing
not yet
not yet
(soon)
soon.
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