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so much has happened, so forgive me if this is sparse.

smiling one was not there when i arrived.  i was a little late, but i didn't think it was that late.  i put on a gown, and vegged for a bit.  garbo wasn't there.  finally, sassy came in, with a spring to her step.  she asked how i was, and could immediately tell i wasn't up to snuff.  (the affected area was sore to-day.)

we talked a bit about her doctor visit, and the morphine shot she got.  she felt cautiously better, but still was praising Jesus.  wonderful woman.

a fragile wheelchair bound lady came in, pushed by a silent caregiver.  she wanted to talk to a technician immediately, and wasn't intimidated by the borders of the curtains... she wanted to roll right in.  soon after, she was rolling back, putting a gown on with lightning speed.  soon we all were sitting, waiting.  speed demon asked me how long ago was my chemo... and what kind.  what she was really interested in was hair growth, and she was encouraged by my thick mass of porcupineness.  sassy and i both advised her to grab the biotin.  that lead into what vitamins everyone was taking.  i thought i took a lot!

time on the plank was uneventful.  one more after this.

time after the plank was eventful.  these are the facts.

i was driving home, on the right hand lane.  someone did not see me coming, and turned left in front of me.  it scraped the front end of my daughter's car hard, and pulled out the right front end thingy (over the right tire).  i was going slow enough that it didn't seem to jar me.

the driver asked if i was ok.  i told him i thought i was.  he urged me to get the car off the road.  i got on the phone with enigma immediately, and asked what i should do.  he was frustrated with me, and said he would be there as soon as he could.  did i call the police?  well, i better think about doing that.  i did.

the man again urged me.... but i was under the silly impression that you shouldn't move a vehicle.  (later on i found out that if the cars are movable, in my state law it says you should move them.  my bad.)

he then said i should get out of the car, since there was so much traffic.  i did so.  i took a picture of the front end of the car.  i was too scared to take a picture of his.  (it ended up scraping the right side of his, and causing it to be... undriveable?  i was lead to believe he had the worse damage.)

he said he was just starting a new job, and his mind wasn't on his driving.  he surely didn't need this.  i said that i was just getting out of radiation, and that this wasn't a great thing for me, either.  i wasn't mad at him.  once, when i was young, i turned left into traffic, thinking things were safe.  they weren't, and a car ran into the side of a station wagon that was given to us by family members.  it was not a good day.

still, it wasn't a competition.  even if it was, i won because i have cancer :)  (omg, i'm so crass.)

the police officer came rather quickly, and she took all our information.  by then, enigma was there, taking a picture of the front of the car, and pulling up the insurance company on his phone.

the police officer got both sides of the short story, and was satisfied with what she heard.  he did not have insurance.  usually, that meant that the car would be immediately impounded, but she did not do that.  also, we need a new sticker on the back, but we have 30 days to get that.  she let that slide on us.

after arriving home, i was told that i had to drive the car to get an estimate.  i said i was tired, and worn out.  that didn't go over well at all.

i then said i would do it, but was told "oh, no.  you're tired, and worn out.  i'll just take a day off somewhere, and do it myself."

the lines have been drawn long ago regarding this life i live.  i know they are there.  i just hate tripping over them.

i want to die so much i can taste it.

what does it taste like?  freedom.

anyway.....

after i begged to be allowed to go, i went.  i had to play the feminine card, because the mechanic didn't want to put on paper the price of the repair.  ("could you write that down, so i can show my husband?" i said, in a shaky voice.)

after that, i was able to come home, dismiss school for a day, and hide in my room.

i keep debating about calling in to work.  we are short handed, but i'm sure they will understand.  plus, if i go in, i wouldn't be much use.  then again, if i go in, it will take my mind off things.

these are the debates i have in my head.  be good, and do work, like my mother always did.... or hide in my room forever.

anyway.....

so, in summation,  it turned out ok, except for the humiliation, the anger, the soreness (i don't know if it's from the radiation, or the accident) and the intense feeling of shit ....no, that last part is always there.

i initially wanted this blog to talk about my cancer journey.... to remember procedures, and get out the pain caused by the mess of it all.  i can rise above the illness, (i'm sure i can) but i don't feel like i deserve the promise of life.

not this life, anyway.