5

doctor day.

sassy still hasn't slept.  garbo is worried about the rain that's coming.  wise fisherman wishes he could go to kansas city, but can't because of his scheduled radiations.

verbalizing these troubles focuses different minds on the situation.  i wish sometimes that i could share my deepest worry, but it's too heavy for the group.  so, i stick with joint pain and the future uncertain.....

....concerns we can all understand.

time on the slab was quick.  i actually asked the technician the questions i was going to ask the doctor.  she said on my last day, the doctor would see me, then schedule for a follow-up three weeks (or so) later.

i was glad i asked her, because when lex luthor talked to me, he was abrupt, and more focused on apologizing over his lateness than looking into my eyes.

(it ends up he went downstairs to get caffeine, and found himself in the middle of an oncology committee coffee break.  they all swarmed him, he said.  i said at least he was well liked.  he smiled craftily, and the nurse nodded her head.  good point, jamison.)

the nurse was there because he wanted to see my affected area.  he said it looked good in an understated way.  the nurse was a bit more excited, saying it looked wonderful.

lex said that, on paper, it looked like this was my last day.  but in the notes it said "boost" so he was sure there was a different focus going on for the last week.  from what i understand from the other doctor, this means that the beam is going to be even smaller, and more concentrated on the last little part of my misery.

so, there's that.

i went home, and was talking to the 13 year old about all of this, in very general terms.  his eyes lighted up, and he asked "does this mean you're cured of cancer?" in that excited, hopeful way that the young have....

it's hard to take away that first thrill of hopefulness.  i gently said that there were more tests to take, and things to watch, but i was almost sure that i would get good news.

he took it well.

the hardest part is to take my children, and the close one i love through this shit.  i totally get how some people never say anything about their cancer.... i wish i could have hidden all this away.

no one needs this.