two week checkup (radiation)

got up early to go to an 8 am checkup.  it was rainy, and grey.  the radio said that this was as grey, and wet as it was going to get all day.

so, if you want to get a chance to see the rain, you have to wake early.... (which is a good thing to me)

i drove without thought to the hospital.  i walked across the street as if i was still doing it every day.... as if it were easy to fall back into routine.

i greeted the main receptionist.  she said "hi!"  in that 'where you been, good to see you?' way that's hard to fake.  i told her it was a good day, except that my hair was bugging me like crazy, looking all fabian, and sticking up and all.  she said it looked good, but giggled through the compliment.  nice lady.

i strolled into the office at 7:50.  no coffee.  the television wasn't on.  nothing.  not good.

i knew i had some time, so i went further in, where the radiology waiting room was.  sassy was there!  so was quiet first lady....but not garbo, unfortunately.  sassy was saying she had just talked about me the other day... and how the conversation wasn't as good as when i was around.  she pointed to my chair, and said a guy sat there the other day.... and she expected him to sit down indian styled like i always did...but he didn't.  it's funny what people will remember about you.  :)

i told her about aquapor, and how it was better, and she told me about how it was garbo's last day just yesterday.  (damn) .... then, she wanted my phone number, which overjoyed me.  i didn't get a chance to ask how she was, only enough to know that she had two more weeks.  i'm so thoughtless!  but, it seemed like we were going back and forth happily enough.... so i guess we showed each other we cared in other ways.

it was good to get a hug from her.

i went back in the waiting room, and sat again.  i caught up on the cancer to-day magazines.  cancer to-day is the magazine that picks a celebrity, and tells you how they lost their life to cancer.... then tells you they could have survived if they lived to-day.  i sort of wish they would do an article on jackie onassis, because time and time again i was asked "you got lymphoma?  didn't jackie o die of that?  hmmmmm."  this would have reassured me, and them.  (but mostly me.)

while i waited, a frail older lady came in.  she walked to the receptionist station, and looked in.  she shook as she leaned on the counter.  i could tell she felt that the world was very big.

i asked her if she was going in to radiation.  she said yes, and that it was her first radiation.  i gently guided her to the back room.  she hesitated a bit, but i told her that the radiation waiting room was in a different area.  she nodded, and smiled, and let me go on.  i talked calm, and soft to her as i opened the heavy door to the room.  i told her she could pick her gown, and have a seat, and that they would call her name soon.

i got to do all the things i wished someone would have done for me...on my first day.  what a great turnaround that was for me.... to help.

good day.

soon, i was lead back to talk to the radiologist.  i haven't lost weight (darn) but the nurse said i was looking very good.  (kind of her to say.)  when the radiologist came in, she asked how i was.  i told her about the splitting skin, and how my oncologist prescribed silver sulfadiazine.  radiologist shook her head, and told me not to do that.  she said the cream turns into sulfur, and that it wouldn't help me heal at all.  she asked to look at my skin.... and said it was unusual to have problems after radiation.  she said she had something to help.... and walked out of the room....

...coming back with a handful of aquapor samples, and a coupon.  (no worries.  i knew it was working better than the sulfadiazine, anyway... and now i didn't have to buy any of it for a-while.)

i did say i'd try to tell my oncologist about it...but my radiologist said it didn't matter.  i may still tell her anyway, to educate her... or not.  it's really my fault for asking the oncologist to help with the radiologist's work.... but i was really hurting when i went in, with split skin, raw areas, and the entire right shoulder tense from having to hold my affected area in a certain position to keep it from hurting......

i'll know better next time.

radiologist said i was looking good, and said that she would see me in three months.  i asked her about the pet scan.  she said that she was under the impression that the oncologist would schedule it.  i said the oncologist thought that she would handle things.  the radiologist said she was glad i told her... then we both realized that it was because of the fact that even though i got sent to a cancer center, my insurance still sent me to other places for ct scans, pet scans, and radiation.

radiologist said that i'm doing very good.... i said, offhand, that we wouldn't know until the pet scan.  she disagreed.  she said she didn't feel any swelling, and didn't expect to see anything on the pet scan.  she said that she expected me to be well, and that she was very rarely surprised.... and that i should have a good holiday, and not worry about it.

i have a good way of putting things like this out of my mind.  unfortunately, it also makes me forget wonderful things that happen, too.  i may try to write a blessings blog, to remember the good..... if i have enough energy.  i slept most of to-day, trying to recover from this morning.  juvenile, i know....but i needed the time to myself.

i can't sleep off the rest of my life, though.  too many wonderful things to experience, and help with.  just because i'm not happy, doesn't mean i can't make everyone else happy.....

or so they say.