lumping it to-gether

went to the oncologist.

so, i got my blood drawn.  i was told that when they remove a lymph node, i could never have blood drawn from that arm again. (nurse was very good.  didn't feel the needle at all.)

waited in the waiting room long enough to heckle interviewers, commercials, and the weather with my daughter.  while we were there, we saw this commercial for bladder control problems.  it has this.... little pink walking bladder who grabs your hand, and wants to go to every bathroom it sees.  i giggled a bit too much about this.  it didn't help that my daughter had this "would you straighten up?" look on her face.  (commercial here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqoykQ5804M )

then we went in to see the doctor.

the nurse took my vitals.

"i hear that when i get my lymph node out, i'm not supposed to get my blood drawn on that side."

"That's right."

"should i get my blood pressure done there, too?"

"No.  Well, you can get the wrist blood pressure cuff done, but not the arm."

"oh.  i also hear that ....well... that one arm will be slightly longer than the other...because...."

"Wait, what?"

"well, if you take the lymph nodes out, the arm won't have anything to close over and so it'll...."

i suppressed a grin.  she suppressed a giggle.

"Well, um... I hadn't heard that before.  But.....no."

she gave me a hug, and was out the door, still stifling laughter.

(a sense of humour is sometimes all the control we have over things.)

my oncologist came in.  she already knew what was going on.  it was like ....an interrupted conversation, even though i hadn't seen her in weeks.  she didn't have records in her hand.  she knew already what was up, and what was at stake..... so there was no wasted time paging through files.

i told her that i didn't understand why the radiologist thought it was infection, and the surgeon thought it was cancer.  she said that the surgeon was known to be very direct, without a bedside manner, and that he saw things in an analytical way.

still... if they do find cancer, the plan is this: talk to dr selby in okc.  see if i should go on watch and wait (where they check the progress of my case with serial imaging).  or go on a chemo known as r-ice for two cycles.  or have an autologous stem cell transplant (using my own stem cells).

i told her that at one point i had a lump underneath my breast that went away.  she asked me where it was, and if she could feel it.  she didn't.  that lead her to want to feel the lump in question.  (she had asked me before if i felt it... i said i didn't know how to feel it, or even what to feel).

she could not feel the lump under my arm.

she tried from the front.  she tried from the back, like the radiologist had.  she apologized for pushing hard.... i told her to push as hard as she needed too.  i had my arms extended out, as if in the worst tsa scan ever....

and she couldn't feel nothing.

she said the surgeon will still go in, and take something.  he will do an ultrasound and probably take out the biggest lymph node he can see, and the area around it.  it could take out some of the scar tissue, as well.  then, they would send it to pathology.

surgery will be done on monday.... i could get phoned the results from three days after.... to one week after.

and then we go from there.....

the nurse asked me, pretty early on, if i was in any pain.  i told her no.  i'm still not in pain.  i'm numb, and cautious, and on edge, and worried....

and i want it all to end.

but, i'm a bit more hopeful.  i'll keep drinking all the water in town, and eating the yogurt.  (oh, and these bugles, too. )  i feel like every time i drink this cold water, that i'm washing away some of the tension i'm feeling.....

water's always been good to me.  i need to go to the river soon, and walk the bridge......

and think on all these things......