with cutting precision

let me just tell this.

went to the surgeon thirty minutes early.  that was ok.  there was paperwork, and water to drink, and comfy couches..... my daughter and i heckled "let's make a deal" on the television, talked of oscars and tumblr and marvel and worse case scenarios.....

and then i went in.

weight.  height.  blood pressure. temperature.  outdated decorations on the wall (said my daughter.)

we were on the fourth floor, so i was able to look out windows and see the world.

soon the doctor came in, with the nurse.

i don't remember much of exacts for some reason..... must be the two antibiotics fighting in me.

he sat me on the table.  he told me to unbutton.  he felt, and said that yes, there was a lump there.

then he said he was going to take it out.  next week.

any questions?

yes, first sit down, and don't act like you're bolting out the door.  second, do you think it's an infection?

no.

somewhere in there, he said it might be a swollen lymph node, but it was all about cancer, and getting it out.  he did not know what the next step was beyond the operation, if they found cancer.

but he was acting, and saying that he was going to take the cancer out.

thank you.

we'll call you.

and he left, and i cried.

my daughter hugged me as best as she could.  awkwardly, but with feeling.

what else could she do?

why did i cry?  because the radiologist was more focused on the fact it was an infection, than cancer.  that the surgeon was quick, and terse, like my old doctor.

because i was mourning me.  who knows why.

we went to taco bueno after.  in the background, i hear "brave" by sara bareillies.  that was my chemo song.  the fight is not over.

i'm not brave.  or i'm brave, but the marvel comics version of brave, with self loathe and angst.

i see my oncologist thursday.  i can be real with her.  worst case scenario, please?  what would be next? have you seen this before?

why, with it being on one side, and in one area, is it still there?  why is it so stubborn?

why does my cancer have to be like me?

i don't mind being bald again.  i don't mind more radiation.  i just don't want to leave my job again.  i just want to battle, but hide it.

i just want to be me, without this hanging over me all the time.

whoever me is