pet scan results

the facts as i know them.  (with strange observations interspersed)

summary:  a lymph node in the middle of the radiologist's working area lit up.  is it an infection?  is it cancer?  we don't know.  let's give you levofloxacin and sulfameth/triemthoprim as antibiotics to fight the infection, and have you see a surgeon for pre-op.  we want that lymph node out of there.  then we'll see if it's cancerous.  if so... more chemo, or rituxin, or a bone marrow transplant.

now, the narrative

i woke late, but since the radiologist was just down the street, it didn't matter.  as i walked to the car, i saw an ambulance parked in front of a neighbour's house.  i paused, and thought good thoughts about the sick person, and then was on my way.

i turned on the radio to distract my mind from the shivers that were running down my spine.  soon enough, i was singing along with ccr.... before i realised what the song was.

"bad moon on the rise."

i went into the waiting room of the radiologist's office.  i was pretty sure i was supposed to be in the waiting room, instead of in the back treatment room.  the window between the receptionist and me was closed, and there were no directions on the glass.  she didn't acknowledge me, and i sat for ten minutes.  finally, i walked up, and tapped on the glass.

"oh, i thought you were waiting on someone!"

a signature, and a whisk, and i found myself in the back examining room.

i didn't lose weight.

soon, the radiologist came in.  she said "let's see what's going on." and opened my chart as if she hadn't seen it before.  as if she didn't know what was going to happen.  as if it were a novel she was picking up, and catching up on after a long day.

she said that there was an area that lit up... right in the middle of her field.

1.5 cm of uncertainty.

then she said she would bring it up on the computer.

"how are you doing?" she asked, as she booted up the computer.  i honestly told her that i wasn't doing good.  "oh.  why?"  well, because i was in suspense over this pet scan and.... "oh.  oh, yes!  i see."

i see.

she looked at the computer, and bade me come over with her. discouraged, and with eyes filled with tears,  i did not join her..  again, she said it was a lit up lymph node.  right in the middle of the field that she radiated.  she began to say that i shouldn't worry.... that it was probably an infection.  she was going to put me on an antibiotic... and i i needed to be sure to eat lots of yogurt with it.

she told me she was going to go call my oncologist.  and text a surgeon.

she left the room.  i got up, and paced.  my right eye was suddenly burning.  both eyes were full of tears.  deep, quiet breaths were taken.  i wasn't shell shocked, but i wasn't there, either.

i just wanted to be dead.

she came back in.  the surgeon also suggested i take another antibiotic.... was i allergic to sulfur?  with this one, i need to remember to drink a lot of water, because this pill is prone to giving kidney ailments.  i was to see the surgeon on monday....

so... am i going to get the lymph node taken out?

well, we don't want to give you lymphedema, but that lymph node needs to be taken out.  they will do pre-op stuff on monday....

if it's cancer, then i will have to do a different version of chemo.  or rituxin.  or a bone marrow transplant.

if it's not, then i get treated for infection, and i get to eat the jamie lee curtis yogurt.

then she said let's look at the good things.  it was only in that area.  on that side.  in that place.  nowhere else.  it just may be one stubborn leftover lymph node that was being persnickety.

during the visit, she checked under my arm, and said she could sort of feel the lump.  i told her about the lump underneath my breast that came, and went away.  she checked there, too, and said she couldn't feel nothing.

she gave me an afternoon appointment to the surgeon.  she gave me two prescriptions.  she said she wanted to see me back in three months.... and she asked me to call and let her know what was going on.

i have most of next week off, luckily.  a long enough time to drink water, eat all the yogurt, and worry like hell.

i was it was wise to lower my expectations.  i was trying hard to do that.... but when i teared up, i realized that my heart defies everything..... including reason.

do i think i'll die?  no.  do i care if i lose my hair again?  no.  i am worried about lost wages, more than anything..... but that's putting the cart before the horse.

do i want to die?  yes.  to save money, worry, and torture of my family.

but.... that's not an option.  it's time to live, and create again... consoling myself with the echo of my words, and the hug of a heavy coat that still smells like the ocean air....

let it fade