a tattling of days

some of the things that went on the past few days:

chemo class.

the nurse in charge of the class gave us a book, and proceeded to go through the book with us. there were a few questions that came up that i'll ask my oncologist (do i have anemia? what is the purpose of chemo? to cure? to maintain? or to prepare for another procedure down the line?) also, the nurse said that we shouldn't take antioxidants, because they don't know what is a bad cell, and will help good cells as well as cancer cells. no worries. i'll just have an arsenal of vitamins to take, once i get the all clear to do so.

the nurse also said that r-chop should only thin my hair, because there is only one drug in my form of chemotherapy that causes baldness. (it takes two to make me snatch bald headed.) i don't quite believe her, because there are a huge amount of people online who have lost their hair. it's actually a dangerous thing to say to some people.... but i've learned to filter out the absolutes.

i asked about ports, and the nurse implied that i should have already had an appointment made. i must have seemed worried, because afterward, a nice lady came over, and showed me hers. i was like "how cool!" and we giggled at my enthusiasm. proof positive that i would do good in a cancer support group. perhaps i'm ready now to find one? i'm still on the fence....

hair cut.

to-day, my daughter and i went to get our hair cut. i was going to get it short, like hers.... (she had even found one that was short, but had longer sideburns, to help with the shock of losing so much hair... she really had it all thought out, which i was grateful for. she's so smart...) ....but i decided to go with a shoulder-length style at first.... not too drastic... especially since i have one week of work left....

i told the hairstylist that i was going to have chemo, hoping for some insight.... but she was more interested in my story. blunt questions followed. i answered as best as i could... no voice trailing off, strong thoughts. i teared up a bit, but she didn't notice. it was like the worst job interview ever. i should have expected it, of course, and i will learn from this. it's part of the "haircutting experience." hairstylists think they need to work on the inside of your head, as well as the outside.

when i do go bald, i probably will do like this one lady i saw on youtube .... she brushed and brushed and brushed out her hair, watching it fall out in clump after clump....then, when there was nothing left but sparse tendrils, she got the clippers and mowed it down.

right now, it's in layers that bounce, and curve around my face wildly.... cupping my face, and hiding the fat and dry skin. im going to miss the caress of my hair... but it will be back. (hopefully.)

the port.

the chemo class nurse told me to call my nurse, even though she thought she was on top of things. she wasn't. i was quite glad i called. if i don't have the port placed in my chest, then it's going to be very hard for the technicians to access a vein so they can give me the chemo. so, now i'll call the hospital to-morrow morning, and make an appointment. then, i'll take paperwork to my insurance lady at work, in hopes of getting a check soon.

lots of grown up stuff ahead

losing control.

because i will be unconscious for the port placement, i need a ride to the hospital. not a big deal, but one of many times that i'm going to have to be realistic, and allow help. enigma wanted to clean my bedroom so it will be ready for my isolation. he doesn't mean to, but he has a way of... moving things. and, even though he doesn't throw away things that are important, i still feel disoriented when i go in, and everything's changed. the solution to this is to be part of the cleaning process, but the dust overwhelms me, no matter how much allergy medicine i take. and, to tell it true, the clutter overwhelms me, too.

some people in my life tend to take control, and run further with it than is healthy for me. i'm the only one who can stop them. i just need to learn to speak.

so... something that is unhealthy inside of me is strengthening me to make life healthy on the outside of me. funny how things work out that way....