port insertion

this morning, i got a port placed on the right side of my chest. i'm not sure if they put it in the jugular, or not.

i'm not very sure of anything right now.

my oldest son took me early in the morning to the hospital. it was nice to be with him, but i'm also kind of sad when i'm with him. i sometimes feel that i was way too strict with him when he was young... i was young (20) and i had no idea what i was doing. i did a lot of reading, and tried to give him good studying habits..... but i also tried very hard to make sure he behaved. at one point in our conversation to-day, i said i was a bad mother. he said ....."well, i don't feel that way." the was he spoke it, plainly and softly, really got to me. how can anyone really like me like he does? there was a point to-day where i said "what a great ice pack! it doesn't leak, or anything. very well made." and he said, again in an offhand manner, "well you deserve it. you're my mother."

i have no idea why i'm crying now, or why it all affects me. maybe because he still loves me, even though i made mistakes. maybe because the only one i can tell is a flashing cursor. maybe because i wish my entire world was different....

i think i need to let this lesson i just wrote down sink in, so i can learn from it. i'll try to tell the story of the port placement later on....