helpless

i didn't think i was going to write this out...but i suppose i should.

when i got my port accessed at the first chemo, the nurse rubbed a sanitizing solution on it... quite roughly. she told me that the strips that held the wound to-gether should have started coming off by now, and that i should not be afraid to scrub it off.

after my chemo, when they took out the needle, i started bleeding from the incision. the male nurse put pressure on the area twice to stop the bleeding, then told me that the steri-strips had a mind of their own, and they knew exactly when to fall off, and that i shouldn't worry.

i went home, took a long bath, and the strips fell off, taking with it one of the stitches.

i was told to call about anything that bothered me. (especially if it had to do with infection.) the nurse encouraged me to come in to get it looked at. said she wouldn't even have it charged as an office visit. just come in... and let her take care of it.

so i did.

i dropped the kids off at an origami event at the library, and went in. she took a look at it, said it wasn't infected, and took the time to put many more steri-strips on the wound. she told me that the scar would be thicker on one side than the other, which didn't faze me. (i've got scars inside and out.... it'll be a pride mark one day.) she was glad to be doing some real nursing, instead of being the supervisor. (i totally understood that. it's sad that the better you get at helping people, the more they want you to teach others, and get away from the hands-on stuff you really love.)

when the nurse was done, i tried to stay in the presence of mind to thank her....but i was starting to feel weak. i am pretty sure i she didn't notice, but the moment i finished talking to her, i made a beeline to the bathroom.....

....where i stayed for the next forty-five minutes.

ever get a song stuck in your head? i had the worst one going over and over in my mind as i sat in the heavenly light of a totally clean white restroom....

can't we try just a little bit harder
can't we give just a little bit more
can't we try to understand
that it's love we're fighting for
can't we try just a little more passion
can't we try just a little less pride
i love you so much baby
that it tears me up inside

i giggle now, but then i seriously thought i wasn't going to get out of that bathroom on my own two feet. i was shaking, and.... well, i was very.... and then....

i wasn't doing so well.

....but, i got better. better enough to walk out....find the elevator... get inside.... get off...

...and sit in the first floor bathroom for twenty minutes. (hey, at least it was an improvement.)

eventually, the tummy spell ended. i was able to walk out without shaking, without stumbling, without trouble. i even thanked the receptionist for helping me before (she had been very stressed, and yet still helped someone who didn't have an appointment get to where she needed to go.)

the rest of the day had its sadness. the youngest had a bad cough, and slept for most of the day. everyone kept me away from him, which gave me a taste of how it was going to be. (please, please, please no summer colds!) my scalp is getting more achy, which means more yul brynner times for me..... but there was a sort of peace in sleeping when i needed to, and a couple of unexpected feelings to-night where i remembered i still was a pretty girl.... at least for now.

i want the beach so bad right now that i started a silly countdown to my last chemo..... that is, my last chemo if all is perfect, and i don't get sick, and nothing is delayed:

http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/generic?iso=20140630T00&p0=402&msg=last+chemo

i know i shouldn't hope....but maybe it will motivate me to see the days tick past.... and yet i hope the lessons i learn during this take my eyes away from the clock....

how back and forth my feelings are now. more inconstant than ever....