after prednisone

i was very worried that the days without prednisone would be harrowing. luckily, it wasn't as bad as i pictured it.

i woke saturday edgy, and wanting. i took my multivitamin, and ativan, and it brought the jitters down. i was still able to do what i needed to do (spend two hours with the at&t people, and the t-mobile representatives) but i was weak afterwards.

that night, i had intense lower back pain. i took a warm bath for an hour, and tried my best to think of everything else but what was wrong. it finally subsided, and the heat and the ativan sent me to deep slumberland.

to-day, i've don't nothing but lie down, and sleep. i wish the weather was better. i would have been outside ....sleeping, but still getting that vitamin d. i'm not supposed to lounge like this all the time, but i need to obey my weariness now.

the youngest is coughing, and hiding from me. i want to tell him it's ok, and that he doesn't have to worry so much, but i can't say that for certain. i can't even take a tylenol without worrying what it will do to me.

i just want it over. i want to be well.... i worry that whatever the chemo does to me will be worse than the cancer. i worry that i'm on a downhill slope of health, and that for the rest of my life i have to look over my shoulder, hoping the plague isn't trying to catch up to me.

and yet,i'm glad it's me. i'm glad i was the lightning rod in this. if i can be the only one in my circle of family and friends that gets this, then i will gladly take the punishment, and carry it away from them all.

i want to protect, and still be protected. even still.