military maneuvers

i thought to-day was going to be difficult.

i had to get middle man to his drama class in the morning. usually, that means taking him, and waiting with the youngest at a bagel shop. well, yesterday, i was so tired that i wasn't even able to drive to the library down the block without becoming dizzy, and very tired. so i was a bit in a panic.

right now, i'm sitting with the youngest at the bagel place. the writer girl is with me, but she didn't have to drive us here. we're soon to pick up middle man, and go home. i will probably be very tired by then....but i made it.

it all worked out.

writer girl will drive home. i can already feel the cold chill of fatigue in my arms, and on my face. but, luckily, the grip of prednisone has loosened. i can tell by how itchy my skin is. i can tell by how tired i get after being excited.

i can tell because hope is coming back.

if i can learn to control the effects of these drugs.... if i can be realistic, and learn to be quiet when i feel panicked.... if i can keep to myself when i feel my most manic, then maybe i can live through this without losing everyone....

if if if

goals for to-day: get home without crashing. pay a couple of bills. take a nap outside when the sun is the most warm.

try not to worry about what i've done.... and get to the business of finding me....

hope.