i'm at work, trying to find something to busy my mind with. the delivery was light, so i got it done pretty fast. i'm not needed up front. it's not busy, and people i identify with don't work until the night.
all i can think about is the port placement surgery to-morrow, and all these 'what if's"......
what if the chemo doesn't work? (then they do radiation.)
what if the radiation doesn't work? (don't be silly. one of the two will work.)
what if i worry so much, nothing works? (you think you're stronger than prednisone? wow, lynn, you must be a goddess! )
what if i don't have anything else to talk about with a close friend, and lose friendship, and closeness? (do you really think the friendship is that shallow?)
unfortunately, the questions are louder than the italicized answers.
i should be over this now. i should be preparing for a fight, rather than wallowing. for fuck's sake, i still cry over the death of my father, and that was ages ago.
i'm so glad he's not here to see what a mess i am
it'll be nice to talk to my son, who's driving me to-morrow. he's so much a stranger as a man.... heck, he was a mystery as a kid, too. he'd say these smart things, and surprise me.... someone with so much sense? how could he be related to me?
i'm sure all i need is more sleep, if only i wasn't chasing slumber all the time....
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