brighter roads?

little glimpses from the past two days:

it's weird to be happy about cancer, but this form of it is better than mantle cell. it's the more popular version of lymphoma.... a road more well paved than the other one, which had potholes, and shady corners, and hobgoblins. i find myself telling people i have cancer with a sort of giddiness that they don't understand. (after all, they are still in the shocked stage.)

and i have been having to tell more and more people...

i gave my boss my two week's notice. (i'm coming back, but i was hoping to give him some time to get things to-gether.) we went inside my main boss' office to talk, as we did almost three years ago when i interviewed for the job. i was even wearing the same blouse (by choice.) we talked about what i needed to do. he's so young... he thinks after four months i'll be back. that's just when the chemo stops. who knows what happens after that.... and how much time i need to strengthen myself.

still, he's very optimistic, and wants me back as soon as possible.

a couple of ladies already knew i had cancer. they asked the good juicy questions. will i lose my breasts? no. will i come back? yes. you've got this... you'll come back. you need your rest. your hair will come back thinner.

one co-worker, with soulful eyes and an accent that spoke of a thousand lands away, was very sympathetic. she got that i was being brave, but her eyes showed sadness. she told me very strongly that i would be missed. she made me sad, and happy, and more resolved to come back. amazing.

one strong co-worker, who's in a perpetual state of self discovery, slightly chided me for not telling of my struggle before. she told me to call her for anything... to take the boys out... to get groceries... to cook... anything. her words left me stronger, and more optimistic on things. she had been through a hell herself, and was so much the better for the survival.

i was antsy at work all day yesterday. i had stayed up too long the night before, trying so hard to keep the day from coming. i was still processing all the news. i was writing emails to all my committees, trying to bow out gracefully from the best job i've ever had. i was very much strung out... but i was nicer to people to-day. i had fun. it's going to be a great two weeks at work... and i'm going to try to store up enough memories of it to keep until i come back.

i tried to go to a wig place to-day, but it was closed for remodeling. i'm not sure where another one is in tulsa. i'm wondering if i should just wait until i'm bald, and go to the cancer society. i'll have to research this. (i sort of want to buy one of the crazy cheap wigs i see on amazon... i may still do so.)

i still haven't read up on the cancer i have. i read so much about mantle cell, that i'm weary to start all over again. i know i need to, though.

please don't take away this cancer away from me, too

i bought $100 dollars of drugs just recently. (luckily, my last good paycheck came in from the library.) there are two kinds of nausea medicine, prednisone, a kidney medicine that will help me process the overwhelming amount of dead cells that will go through my body, ativan for the anxiety, and an antibiotic just to have on hand in case of fever. oh, and also a cream to numb up my skin around the port i will get... so they can put needles full of drugs in me more easily.

i'm sorta glad i read that gilda radner book... so long ago.

i'm getting a lot of tips from the facebook group i'm in. biotene mouthwash for mouth sores. get lots of rest. drink lots of water. have your own cuddle blanket. scarves and wigs are awesome! stool softeners. eat little meals before chemo. take claritin for the flu symptoms you'll have. stay on top of your nausea meds. relax.... all of these things are temporary.

so much to learn in this cancer college.... i hope i get my degree soon....