bone marrow biopsy

i had the bone marrow biopsy this morning. i'll try to jot down all i can remember.

first thing i need to remember is the fact that it was an outpatient procedure. that meant that the co-pay was much higher than an office visit. just something to prepare myself for next time.

we arrived at the hospital at 5:30 am. there were a few things to sign, then a short wait in the waiting room. then a volunteer gathered all seven of us up (including our support people) and took us up the elevator to the operating waiting area. there, i was told to take off everything (including jewelry) and put on a robe, and matching socks.

when i was ready, they asked me how tall i was, and how much i weighted. if i was allergic to anything, or if i was diabetic. what surgeries had i had, and was i still having periods. then, i had to give them a urine sample (for a pregnancy test). they gave me an i.v. (i had to be stuck twice), and left me to wait for the nurse to take me to the operating area.

while we were waiting, a nun came in to ask if we needed prayer. i was a little surprised, because this wasn't a catholic hospital. but, i haven't ever turned down a prayer.... from anyone. (in fact, when i first found out about my condition, i asked a few of the best prayer warriors i knew to think of me....)

this nun was very traditional. she even had a german accent. enigma held her hand as she prayed, but for some reason.... i couldn't. and, almost immediately, i was crying.

sometimes i think i'll never stop grieving.

the wait for the nurse felt like forever. i felt enigma's eyes on me constantly. it made me feel exposed...uncomfortable.... and even a little bit angry. we haven't connected in years, and i couldn't think of a thing to say to him now. i was very upset that i couldn't have the camaraderie that i needed.

i felt so fucking alone.

the nurse finally came in, and wheeled my bed to the operating area. other nurses were there, talking about a patient who had been difficult. i didn't mind. i like hearing people go about their jobs .... learning about their personalities by the way they reacted to situations.

the nurse put an oxygen sensor on my finger. she put heart rate metal things on my chest. the anesthesiologist came in, and gave me a drug for my nerves. (she ended up giving three drugs in all, including one to help me forget the procedure.)

i was told to lie on my left side, and scoot close to the nurse. the doctor came in. now, even though three nurses told me about the procedure, and asked me to sign a form saying i understood the procedure, on a piece of paper that asked me to write down in my own words what i thought the procedure was about.... even though i went through all that.. the doctor explained the procedure to me.

i let him. after all, when i read up on the biopsy, it said that i would be hearing someone scraping away at my bone, and that i would have to hold as still as possible while they did it. what they were doing to me was much different from what i read.... and i was glad of it.

they put an oxygen mask over my face... told me to concentrate on breathing through my nose....

and then i woke up, on my back. with a bandage on my right lower hip.

right as rain. no pain.... not very much grogginess.

i had to be watched for an hour after the procedure, which gave the nurse plenty of time to talk to me. she was very sorry that i had cancer.... and told me that she heard that the nurses at cancer treatment centers get extra pay for all the vitamins they take. she also said something good about asparagus.

for some reason, i asked her what her favourite sound was at her job. she said "silence." in the midst of our conversation, there was a huge alarm, and a "code blue" announcement. "that...." she said "is my least favourite sound."

we talked a bit about my job. she said she heard that libraries were soon to be extinct. i wasn't as articulate as i usually was, but i did let her know that my library is a very popular place.... full of kids, parents, and teens.... all in search of personal entertainment, whether it be our computers, the books, the cds, or the dvds.

i'm not too worried about the future of my library....

she asked me the favourite sound in my job. i told her that there was a holdshelf near where i worked. i loved hearing a kid find the book he was waiting for, and the delight in his voice when he got to say "it's finally here!" (that happens daily....)

after the hour was up, i was wheeled back into the waiting area, and told to change back into regular clothes. i was surprised at how groggy i wasn't feeling. enigma came over, and sat next to me. i slowly put on my clothes as he watched.... luckily, soon after he was told to bring the car around to the entrance of the hospital.

i got dressed, and a volunteer pushed me in a wheelchair to the car.

it's interesting. the only time i remembered being in a gurney.... or in a wheelchair... was when i had my babies. and now, years later, i'm trying to get rid of a swelling that's inside me.

a baby no one ever wanted.