the watched pot

not much to report to-day.

at work, i have become the watched pot. when am i going into chemo? how long will it take? are you staying in your committees? all excellent questions that have to be put on hold right now, until i figure out what's going on inside of me.

someone came to console me to-day. he asked very hard questions.... like "would you be cured if they cut off your breasts?" and "don't you know anything by now?" i relished them, because it prepares me for when my co-workers find out. i also was glad that he asked me, because i didn't have to be polite with him. he took my bluntness in stride, thank goodness. i did wish he didn't admonish me for not having a positive attitude. i understand i'm supposed to want to be cured, and always have a happy face, but i think it's realistic to say that this is going to be a long, hard fight, and that i will go through a lot of pain.

at one point my boss came around the corner. she saw me on a couple of social networks. now, normally she would gently scold me, and list all the things i could have been doing. instead, she said "oh... it's not that busy right now, is it?".... and didn't say anything else. i teased my immediate boss, and he teased back. "how long do you think that will last?" "pft... probably only a couple of days."

you take laughter where you can get it.

i have found myself being quite blunt with patrons. i usually try to listen to their stories, and mollify them along the way. instead, i've waited the story out, and immediately offer solutions. i don't want to be this cold... and i hope i don't become this unfeeling person. i think maybe it's because i haven't been going to bed early.

and here i am typing about my day.... six hours before a pet scan.

there's hope on the money front. i hear that my job may be able to help with these large co-pays. fingers crossed, even if they can only do it once. every little bit helps.

as i understand it, i'm supposed to go in in the morning, after having no food for several hours. i've already had a low carb meal (still delicious... green beans, broccoli, and chicken with cheese on top of it) and no water, toothpaste, or anything after midnight. (i'm turning into a gremlin, i swear.)

then, i have to hold very still, after drinking a highly sugared drink (i bet it's jolt cola!) and let them scan my entire body, in search of the cancer.

i hope i can sleep through it. i'll lie back, hold still, and dream of chinese food.

here's hoping.....