it started like this

it started like this.

on august 14th of last year, i woke up feeling feverish. my right side felt tender, and i had the chills so much that i had to take a warm bath to calm down. soon after, i could feel a lump underneath my armpit. i had no idea what to think, so i wrapped myself up in blankets, and went back to sleep.

on september 9th, i went to the doctor. i told the nurse in detail what happened, and she wrote down the information on the chart. i was ready and waiting to tell the doctor the same thing.... but something in me stopped. he breezed in, like he always did ... not really listening .... not really looking at me .... sighing .... i raised up my shirt, to show him what was wrong, but he waved it away. said it was a carbuncle. said all i needed were some antibiotics.

i have a very expressive face. i'm sure he noticed some hesitation.... so he asked "well... what are you afraid of?" in a very blunt way.

i tried to answer, but stuttered, and couldn't say anything. without saying the word cancer, he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. it was a carbuncle. meds would bring it down. let him know if it didn't. thank you.

i took the antibiotics. i thought that maybe the swelling did go down. i went on my way .... and didn't think about things.

on january 20, i went back to the doctor. i was making it my new year's resolution to take care of things. i needed new contacts, and maybe some glasses. my eczema was troubling me, and i needed to go to the dermatologist. but, first things first. i thought the lump underneath my arm had gotten bigger .... and i really needed to get it checked.

(it took me a-while to come back to the doctor. i had tried to call earlier, to get more antibiotics .... but i wasn't sure that the swelling had gone down. i examined it, and it felt one way. enigma felt it, and he wasn't sure. so, i didn't say anything, and i didn't ask anything, and nothing happened.)

when i explained things to the nurse, she was visibly agitated when she saw the swelling under my arm. she told me that i needed to make the doctor look at it... and feel it. this time, she found me a dressing gown to put on. she told me things would get better ... and left me in the room.

i heard her in the hall, talking to the doctor. telling him he needed to check my further. i heard him say "well, if it isn't the size of a softball, i'm not going to do anything."

(i still don't know how big it is.)

he came in. i pushed aside my dressing gown. i raised my arm over my head like the nurse said to do. he sighed. said it was probably still a carbuncle, but just to be sure, he was going to get it checked. he was 90% sure it was nothing.

two ultrasounds, a mammogram, and a biopsy later told me .... it's something.

mantle cell lymphoma.

and so my journey begins .... on the road back to me.