10

didn't get much sleep last night.  something's going on at home that's cataclysmic, but i have no control over it.

i'll concentrate on this fight for survival.

went in early.  it was thoda's last day.  i wished her well.... she was surprised that i was getting a pet scan after all of this.  she said that she didn't even know what was next for her.... she lamented the fact that a pet scan can't tell you if you are entirely free from cancer, because it can't measure the little bits inside of you.  another person (who sounded like greta garbo) nodded, and said it was very hard for people with breast cancer.... you think when they remove the lymph nodes that you are free and clear... and then you are not.

they had to reboot the computer again this time.  i was on the board for some time, but it gave me a chance to snooze... and think... and imagine.... so i was fine.

the doctor looked at my "affected area."  she said i lucked out.  if i had come six weeks earlier, i would be in a world of hurt because of the heat, and dry weather.  she said that she told her summer patients to pre-cool the car before they went in, because they were literally cooking themselves.

two more weeks.  in fact, yesterday's due date was the date of my last radiation.  i smiled each time i said it to a patron.

i'm under a lot of stress from home.  i have to stop thinking so hard.... the energy it takes to heal is being taken away.  i finally wrote a couple of poems, but they are markedly different from what i'm used to writing.
everything about me is changing.  i just want to be that young, impulsive, silly girl that had fun .... who was light-hearted, and hopeful.... not under all this doom all the time.

it sucks to be me.