i had to wait longer this time, because the machine was moved around, and the doctor had to ok the new position. note to self: bring a notebook. (dur... you would think a poet always does.)
much ado was made of the person ahead of me. it ended up being because she had a long haired wig that made her look very different. i had to look again, myself, because it didn't look like a wig at all. it made me want to dig out one of my wigs.... but unfortunately all mine are on the short side. i still may try one, just to keep my head warm.
while i was waiting in the waiting room, a man rushed in, and sat heavily near me. he breathed heavily, and looked exhausted. now, usually i'm the greeter, and the asker of questions....but it was hard for me this time. it wasn't because he was black. it wasn't because he was older. (or was he?) it may have been because he was weary to the bone..... i don't know.
finally, i decided to accept him into my life... which is what you do when you greet someone.
"you would think the cooler weather would help."
"yeah.... and now it's sprinkling out!"
thank you, weather, for always being universally understood.
ended up this was his radiation day.... and, soon after, in muskogee, his chemo day. i can't imagine going through both at once! no wonder he looked shrunk in his skin.
talk lessens the pain and makes one stronger.... both our voices got bolder as we continued the conversation. he remembered hearing about a lady who came in to do radiation....twice a day! (this reminds me of the phrase "i cried because i had no shoes, until i saw a man who had no feet")
in the radiation room, it was harder to position me. i was slid from one side of the board to the other. at the end, the nurse drew two more lines on the right side of me, to help for next time. that makes two x marks on either side of me, one on my right breast, and two under my right breast, all protected by clear stickers. i'm cool with it. they don't itch, and i can't feel them. it's sort of interesting looking like a road map.
my arms are beginning to be sore from being overhead at a stressful time. i took a hard nap yesterday, and am still a bit tired to-day. my fingers were tingly last night. also, i felt twinges under my arm again to-day. but, that's all in the mind.
i need to stop being bitter. i need to stop being the special snowflake that needs to hear things from people, to validate my pain. i need to look out to other people, and lessen their pain.
i need to live .... and living for others is a beautiful, purposeful start.
get out of your room, jamison
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