14 ?

ok, here's the deal.

i got told definitely that i was only going through four weeks of treatment.  so... i'm not sure what that means, countdown-wise.  let's go with one week down, three to go, shall we?

i woke up after a fitful night's sleep.  i knew it was doctor day... and i'm not very good with doctors.  i was dressed and ready early, and got to the hospital right on time.

i got to talk to cool wig lady for a bit.... mostly about lack of sleep.  she wore blonde tresses to-day.... very wavy, and feminine.  i didn't get to ask about her husband... next time.

another lady was waiting.... we talked a bit.  she was older than me, and had had breast cancer.  she had been a pediatric nurse, and head of a department.  she was there because she wanted to go to a dementia seminar, and they allowed her to reschedule her radiation.  she was surprised that they didn't remove my lymph nodes (they took twenty out of her). i asked her how the radiation was affecting her.  she pulled down her gown, and showed me.... it looked like a tender redness that would go away with a cool bath.  i was glad to see a sample of something i may experience.  this lady was smart, and optimistic.  i hope i see her again.

another lady came, and sat down after her.  she was another older lady with breast cancer.  she was just as open about her life... but i didn't have time to find out more than the fact that she had six months chemo, and that radiation was a very easy road for her.  again, it was good to talk to someone about things other people take for granted.... like sleep  :)

treatment was easy again.  (i didn't get a chance to snooze. darn.)

the doctor's nurse weighed me in before the doctor came in.  my weight was the same.  i feigned disappointment, and was told quite pointedly that it was best that i didn't lose weight now.  i know i know... but it's fun when weight sneaks off me like gremlins in the night.  oh well....

i talked to the lady doctor soon after.  she showed me my chart... the various pictures of the tumour, and the scans they made of it.  she said that if they took it out, then they would have taken out a lot of me with it... including a breast.  it was best to shrink it down.

then she said i had three weeks.... and the last week would be the one where they pinpointed right on the spot of contention.

three weeks?

really?

i was so sure i'd hear four more weeks.... but she acted like she didn't even consider it.  no "worst cast scenario."  nothing.

in a way, it feels like 'time off for good behavour.'  but, in a big way, i'm skeptical.  after all, i was told it was just a virus.  i was told i may only need three chemos.  i was told that chemo would do it.....

and now.... three weeks.

i know.  i'm so dramatic.  such a victim.  when will i learn to take things at face value?

when the face doesn't change.....

when the face doesn't turn away, and hide from the light....

when i can see the path again... and run straight home.

when i can live again.

sigh