i've been wanting to cry all day. i've been a disappointment to everyone, and i feel like i'm never going to get better.
i miss the swishing of hair against my face.... i miss smelling nice (i still think that i have this medicine smell about me, even though no one agrees with me) ... i wish i were young again, and not awkwardly shuffling around with this joint pain....
i'm a mess.
but, i'm good for one thing. experience. someone in the cancer facebook group i'm in is about to go down the road i am going through right now..... to-night, she asked me about radiation. i was glad to answer her question....
i had a pet at the end of my chemo. the 10 cm mass had turned into a 3 cm pebble, but it was still there, under my arm. the oncologist told me that it would probably only take 3 weeks of radiation to get rid of the rest of the cancer. the radiologist wanted to do 4 weeks, so here i am, three weeks into it, hoping for the best.
i will get another pet scan after my radiation, to see where i'm at. the radiologist is extremely confident that the mass will be gone. so, there's good news. :)
radiation is not as hard, and you're already feeling better after the chemo. soon, more and more of your hair starts growing back. gradually, the rchop drugs loosen their iron fist hold. you start to breathe easier. just make sure you get in a nap every day.... your body is working hard to heal itself from the radiation, and you want to give it all the help you can give. :)
it's amazing how much lighter you can feel when you help someone... especially when you know how heavy their load is.
and, who knows, maybe i'll be useful again.
one day....
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